“What If?” It’s all part of the struggle

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I’m going to share something I haven’t really shared before except with a few people very close to me.

I sometimes have these mini epiphanies, this one happened to be during my mud run. This whole weightloss thing, it’s not a physical challenge, it’s a mental one.

I’m very analytical by nature, it’s who I am. But when it came to my weight? Maybe not so much, I like food, that’s all. Right? Not exactly. I know I’m an emotional eater, I’ve said it here before; a lot of us are.

When I get close to reaching a milestone or goal, I back off. Afraid maybe? I’m on my way pushing towards a milestone as we speak. I’ve done it before but had the same struggle. Weeks…months..leading up to it I gain and lose the same five pounds. It’s ridiculous. Do it or don’t. So..during my mud run a light went off. What am I afraid of?

I’ve been overweight just about my whole life. Heavier sometimes than others, happier sometimes than others. I spent a lot of years unhappy with myself which effected everything. I’ve changed though, as a person. As the weight started coming off a few years ago I felt like a completely different person. I liked who I was becoming, I felt confident, sexy, happy, my relationships were improving. I kept better touch with friends etc.
But now I’ve been here (with the exception of being pregnant last year), for years. Waiting. Waiting to break through this milestone.
Truth be told, what if I don’t like who I am or what I look like after I lose all the weight? I have my own hang ups now about my body, what if I go through all this hard work and the end result isn’t good enough for me? There, I said it. It holds me back, I hate that this stupid negative, questionable voice holds me back.
So after thinking about it (this is where my head was at last week), talking about it, I’m  recognizing the fact that it’s there, but I’m not acknowledging it anymore. What if I get to my goal and it’s better than what I expected? I love living too much to let this stand in my way anymore.

 

XO,

Strong, Sexy, Confident Badass

I got this!

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