Here we are the start of a new month, and many new beginnings!
As we turn the page on the calendar and the mornings might start getting a little cooler, the leaves begin to change and fall – it’s truly nature that shows us how good it is for us to let go.
I feel like I have been tested in every single way I can imagine in the last year. And after a few weeks of craziness with new business clients and launching my subscription service – I’m feeling immensely grateful.
They say you keep encountering the same scenarios until you’ve learned your lessons. Albeit, romantic relationships that circle back around, or familiar situations you find yourself in – what path will we take?
Will I allow myself to make the same mistakes? Will I practice the pause before I say what my heart and head are telling me? Moving forward – will I recognize the good from the bad?
One thing remains the same – I will remain completely authentic to me. I vow to myself never to shrink myself in a relationship again.
While I certainly have been craving connection, I’ve also been digging deeper into myself to give those deep dark parts a little more love. Nurturing my inner child who needed it the most. Choosing to spend time by myself and reflecting more than I ever have before.
Honestly, I haven’t touched my book in weeks, and the hardest part is not judging myself for it. I can’t remember who I said this to – but I truly believe I haven’t finished it yet because I believe the ending is happening, now.
I found myself on this precipice of change. While everything around me and about me feels different.
I didn’t plant my garden this year. In the Spring I felt relief as I took the weight of “another responsibility” off my shoulders for a season – it’s a lot of work. I was afraid to take anything else on and not be able to give it my full attention when I needed to.
As the summer meandered on, I started feeling like I was in a grind, without a physical outlet. As the weeks went by and I was digging in to different things – navigating my next steps in business and “letting go” I started feeling a little “lost” yet – more in tune with myself than ever before.
While both the energy and urge to get outside and conquer nature that had taken over my flower beds came in spurts, each time I tried not to get discouraged. Some of the weeds had grown taller than myself. Instead of judging myself for not getting out there sooner, I pondered the power that surrounds us, and how insignificant we are in the space around us – and started pulling.
I’ve been asking myself why a lot. Staying quiet and observing the way I feel when things happen. I’ve been prioritizing my personal growth over everything else that surrounds me.
All my relationships have changed. I felt lost, yet more in tune with myself than ever before. I have questioned beliefs I have held for my whole life, and have never felt more connected to myself, and the universe.
In the last few months, I have spoken about my story more. Said aloud and acknowledged the pain that I endured. Openly speaking the words I’ve written about the sexual, physical and verbal abuse – face to face is an entirely different level. I give myself grace, knowing I never really know the immensity that someone else may be holding either.
I finally figured out where all of this has been leading me; experiencing a spiritual awakening can often feel like you’re losing your grip on reality, and it’s rarely a sudden transformation. I’ve been on this amazing truth-seeking mission to find my true purpose in life and found myself on this journey of confronting my truest self, including all the dark places.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – sitting down and staring at yourself in the mirror without looking away has to be some kind of superpower. I think some people may think this journey is constant bliss – it’s not.
It’s facing all your truths. It’s facing the things you’d like to forget. It’s facing the things you buried deep down inside. It’s a process of facing who you really are. Forgive yourself for what you said or did while you were in survival mode.
You can’t fake this shit.
Allow me to paint you a picture: you’ve spent weeks if not months planning this vacation. You’ve made the lists, essentially put your house on wheels, driving for an eternity and arriving at your Air BNB.
So, now what? We’ve got everything we could possibly need with us – what’s it going to be? How do you decide?
I envision myself standing on the back porch with some kind of body of water I’m staring into. I close my eyes and calm my mind of all the options available to me. I feel a slight breeze hitting my face. I appreciate the stillness. The silence.
I take a deep breath, and drop my shoulders.
Thinking of you, and sending you love.
Xo,
Laura
