I didn’t write much this week – is it the feeling of overwhelm? Busyness?
Do we feel overwhelmed because we have too much going on…or is that just life and that feeling comes from not doing the things that make me feel “alive” enough?
I went for a short stint in my kayak this morning and it’s something that I had to push myself to do. But why?
when I’m out on the water it feels good. It’s just me and nature – much to the same feeling as when I’m in the woods (my favorite place).
I climbed out of my kayak as I reached the shoreline and sat down in the dew-soaked grass. Not a single voice within ear shot as I gazed out onto the water.
Watching the ripples expand and echo.
I examine each house along the edge picturing myself residing in each one, deciding which ones I might pick if I had the opportunity.
Being able to see a body of water from my living quarters is a huge goal of mine.
Sitting on the deck watching the water with my morning coffee – a titillating feeling. That’s one of my favorite things about vacation. That special time.
The water felt really…enveloping this morning as I navigated my kayak into the water. Not cold, very inviting and for a split moment I considered just laying down in it. Letting it consume me, my hair floating around me like a mermaids would.
The wet sand felt like clouds beneath my feet. I could have stood there for an hour.
But going on my solo kayak ride this morning was what I was pushing myself to do today. That and the growing list of blissful homeowner chores that need to get done, and I am the only one I have for that.
It would be so much fucking easier to just ignore it all. Let the weeds grow (they do anyway). Let the dishes, laundry, and dust pile up.
I imagine ignoring those things would look like just shutting the front door and blissfully sitting on the other side where I don’t have to look at it.
As the sun does its thing in the mid-morning, my shade along the shoreline has moved behind me. The breeze picks up and I close my eyes to feel it hit my face. The only noise I hear are the leaves rustling on the trees and the water splashing up against the dock, in perfect harmony.
It’s in these moments that I marvel at the beauty that surrounds us, right here – where we live.
Just an hour ago I was digging through the garage looking for my paddles and now, I sit here in nature, and can return back to “life” at any moment.
I think I’m going to sit here a little longer, immersed.
My whole life people told me I was too sensitive. Passionate.
I said it before and I’ll say it again – I’ve never been meant for surface level.
I am meant for depth.
Intensity.
Intimacy.
It’s who I am.
The clouds rolling in as the breeze intensifies and still, you couldn’t ask for anything more serene.
If I’m sitting here now, does this mean in another hour I’ll be cleaning at home? Getting ready for my week?
I think I will fill my cup a little bit more today first.
“I’m learning as I go and most of the time, I’m a hot mess. My tongue is passionate and bold, and I have a habit of letting my whole heart pull me along before I think it all through. But I’m trying and I think I’d rather be a chaotic mess of burning passion than a perfectly put together coward.”
-Brooke Hampton
Writing has always been something I loved. It has been a tool to help me grow, get through hard times, and express myself.
I’ve been working on my book for a long time, and as I near completion, I don’t want to miss a single detail. All my beta readers told me they loved it, but they wanted “more”.
Letting go of what we “thought” something should be and just…going with the feeling – “flow state” is the key. You cannot force it.
You will be surprised to see how quickly things fall into place when you stop and let go a little.
How do you “feel” your feelings?
How do you express them?
What are you closing the door on to avoid?
People are my passion I love helping people, but I do not like being used for my brain or my body – I am learning to weed out the dishonest people. I recognize them quicker now – proving that meaningless words without action backing them up mean nothing.
Writing this blog wasn’t just “getting through the pain” – it was figuring out who I was, without it.
Feeling bad is the easy part, it was comfortable and normal. Being happy was the challenge.
Being happy is something that you have to work at and choose every single day.
You deserve to feel happiness.
You deserve to be in a space that inspires you.
You deserve love.
My divorce just gave me the space and freedom to figure out my why, now with new opportunities ahead of me I’m looking through a completely different lens.
The sun intensifies and I must move forward with my day. Not in total service, but with hope and a full cup.
Thinking of you, and sending you love.
Xo,
Laura
