Look to your right, now look to your left.
It’s not surprising anymore to come to the realization that about half of marriages end in divorce. Chances are, you have a few friends in your circle that have gone through it.
And it’s a gloomy topic, but I’m not here to talk about that.
I want to talk about our “type.”
It wasn’t until I was late-night scrolling through an app that I found myself swiping on the same kinds of profiles. I mean, it was a joke for a while… my “thing” for nerds, for years.
But sitting in an “observation seat,” if you will, I found myself swiping—intrigued.
What the actual fuck?
Okay, so those people in your circle who’ve gone through divorce and found new significant (or not-so-significant) others, how many times do they still play the part of their previous partner? How similar are they?
Think about it.
Weird, right?
They say we keep encountering the same types of people or situations until we’ve learned our lessons.
Leaving little to no time to heal and grow.
I’ve seen it, multiple times. Lived it, once (that was enough).
I was repeating a pattern because… I hadn’t healed all the way yet.
I dove into the one relationship I endured after marriage, having gone through an immense amount of change prior, and still wound up with the same type of person.
Not discounting either relationship or individual—this is about me, my triggers, patterns, and personal growth. What I really wanted versus what felt familiar and comfortable.
Knowing the growth I’d gone through after my marriage, I fell back into a place that was comfortable… familiar… and not for me. You don’t always feel it when you’re in it, but I did. In a constant state of anxiety because my wants weren’t being met.
I spent the entire time sitting in unease, wishing it were… different. What’s the definition of insanity? Oh right, continually doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
My bad.
When you’re not in the right situation, there are no amount of tools that are going to help you. Week after week, my therapist would offer some guidance on how I could handle myself, the situation, and week after week, I’d practice the advice—knowing and aware, that it just wasn’t working.
Continually asking for it to be different, when I knew… it wasn’t going to be—a lot of talk about a lot of things, very little action moving forward.
It took a lot of courage and self-respect to end that relationship, and an even bigger amount to leave it behind me. And an even bigger amount to remember I was worth having a healthy and happy relationship.
It took a long time to lose hope that things would change. It took even longer after, to forget the idea he would show up and choose me in a way he was too scared to do. It took some time to realize people can only meet us where they are at. He could barely show up for himself.
It’s been some time since, and I’m moving closer to the idea of opening my heart up to love again. I think the desire finally outweighs the fear.
Not too long ago, while playing third-wheel at dinner with my friend and her husband, I declared “I need a lumberjack.”
The husband laughed and said, “Oh really?” I said, “Yeah… I’m on this dating app last night and found myself ogling a profile… and caught myself. WTF, why do I have a thing for red-headed nerds? I need something totally different.”
Time to break the habit.
A long time ago, while going through my divorce, I created a list on my phone in Notes about all the attributes/qualities I wanted my ideal partner to have.
You know, he’s obsessed with me. Wants to move mountains for me. Wants to do everything together. Loves to make my orgasm his number one priority. We cook together. We laugh until our faces hurt (probably the most important).
But what I didn’t realize then, was that I also had to be someone who deserved that person. I had to be that person for myself first.
It’s funny how easy it is to get caught up in the “type” we think we want, or the things that feel familiar. We sometimes fall for the idea of what someone represents, and not the reality of who they really are.
The truth is, until we stop repeating our patterns and giving in to what’s comfortable, we won’t be able to embrace what’s actually right for us.
So I’m breaking my type. I’m letting go of the things that are easy, the things that don’t challenge me to grow. Because growth isn’t about staying in the comfort zone—it’s about stepping into discomfort and choosing something different.
I’m choosing better, even if it’s not familiar.
And I’d encourage you to do the same. Think about the patterns you’ve been stuck in. Whether it’s relationships, career, or your own habits—you get to choose to break the cycle.
If I can do it, so can you.
Take a moment and think about your own ‘type.’ What’s been your go-to pattern, and how might you be repeating it? What’s something different you could do to step out of that comfort zone?
Sign, Ready For My Lumberjack
xo,
Laura 🙂
