A few weeks back two clients of mine told me I was glowing. And then the other day, someone I’m still friendly with from high school sent me a message and told me how happy I looked.
It feels really good to hear – not your typical “are you sick” after encountering your non-makeup face. Thing is, I AM so fucking happy right now.
I don’t think I have ever been this happy in my life – and rather than sit here waiting for the shoe to drop – I just keep building.
Keep feeding the positivity. Keep growing. Keep loving.
I think a HUGE part of it is the fact that I am BEING ME, authentically.
It feels so fucking good!
I was married to a good guy, don’t get me wrong and even the relationship after, but when I expressed my true self, I definitely received some “that’s weird” comments, and some side-eye.
So, when I decided to try something new for myself outside my comfort zone and I didn’t have to worry about comments or judgement from my partner, it felt really fucking good!
*****
I was listening to a good podcast today while I was working and the host has been divorced as well, and she talked about how when you’re with the right person, they aren’t judging you – they are embracing you and all your weirdness. I know if they are criticizing you or feeling so insecure about themselves they project that on you – but I have to practice remembering that.
Right now, as much as I want a partner and I know I deserve that (and I can’t wait honestly) he is going to walk into my life at the exact right moment (and love me with all my weirdness).
The criticism was hard to hear in my last relationship, talk about being deflated.
It brings you down a few notches when the guy who says he loves you says “You have mental problems” for wanting to meet his parents after a year of being together. Or when sitting and enjoying myself, listening to music at the bar, says “you know people can see you right”. Those memories are so vivid and super hurtful.
I knew I deserved better. I am worth so much more than that. It’s hard sometimes to see through to the light when all your feelings are sitting in such a dark space. It’s hard not to feel sit in that “victim” space – no one is paying attention to you, or helping you, or whatever support it is you need – but the support is all around you…when you’re ready to actually get moving.
*****
So, I started taking pole dancing classes. I’ve thought about it since the place opened. Inquired so many times, followed closely – really wanting to dip my toe in the water. I was the observer for nearly three years.
About a year ago – as I was trying to hold on to friendships slipping through my fingers, and a relationship that brought out the worst in me – I gave it a shot. I took a course and loved all those moments throughout those few weeks.
It planted a new seed, but I wasn’t there yet. Six months went by…and even in a worse place, I had hope that it would help, but I let myself get in the way. I was at the darkest precipice of my entire life thus far.
I only took half the classes and stopped myself from going in that dark moment…because I couldn’t find anything to wear.
I let my weight and my body get in the way of my happiness.
I was desperately trying to accommodate my feelings towards someone that only bothered with me when he needed me. I felt awful about myself, and I let that take control.
I’m only telling you because you must realize as you go through your own mindset shift – you will still struggle at times. Change is not linear – you will have major ups, and super low lows.
Things will happen that will shake you up, it’s what we do to come back from it. It’s putting yourself into practice, grieving and then starting to put yourself back together. It’s about not staying in that dark space. It’s about being brave. It’s about accepting yourself exactly as you are. It’s about loving yourself.
Here we are about a year from my first toe dip – and I’m hooked! It’s a tough workout – but there is something so cool about trying something new…outside the box. Digging into yourself in a different way and I feel much more connected to myself than in any other “workout”.
That first night, as I was walking down the street and then waiting at the door I gently closed me eyes – I just want to find “my people”, “my tribe”.
As I was attempting things I’ve never done before using muscles that haven’t been worked in a really long time – I felt confident and strong. I am so very far out of shape from where I was just a few short years ago, and I can remember when I started CrossFit years ago (I love it!) that I would beat myself up for not being able to do certain moves, or having to stop etc. I even blogged about it!
This was so different. Instead of being down on myself for not getting my feet off the ground, I felt focused and optimistic! I can’t wait to keep practicing!
Should I put a pole in the basement or my bedroom?
I think the reason I feel so good right now is because I’m literally filled with myself. I’m not relying on a man (or anyone else for that matter) – for my self-worth. I’m kinda just…living my best life.
I think as moms, we get lost in the shuffle (I’m not saying it doesn’t happen to men, or dad’s, it does!). We spent years with our littles fighting to come into the bathroom with us, needing every moment of our attention and then suddenly you open your eyes, and they have their own life, their own thing going on. Now what do we do?
I have been hustling for a while now and so much has changed, in my business, in my relationships, and within myself. I feel better than I have in my whole life. And while my oldest is graduating high school next week and going off to college in a few short months it’s super emotional. I still feel like I’m 25 – how can this even be happening?
The other day we pulled in next to each other in the driveway and I looked over at her smiling at me and all I could see was my tiny adorable Emily sitting in her cozy coupe. I am so proud of her! She has come out of her shell SO MUCH the last few months – she is everything I was I had been at that age and I am so grateful to be here to witness it and share all the memories we are making together. Gah! So much mom mushiness!
The other morning I received a text from my kids’ stepmom:
“Emily is an entirely different person lately. I am assuming less stress. But she has totally come out of her shell over here. She looks HAPPY which makes her look even more pretty and pleasant. She’s smiling a lot more.
I think it also has to do with you being so accepting of having an open parenting relationship. Having a secure, confident mom makes all the difference. If you didn’t like me, the kids wouldn’t. They all seem to be more comfortable after we all hangout together. So thank you for showing them we can all be a team.
And yes TGIF!”
I cried for a good while on and off after reading that (and again even as I write this). It means a lot but I am really proud of myself for getting here, for myself…but for my kids more.
Sending you SO MUCH love!
Xo, Laura
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