My deepest mission is to love.
In my last blog, a year ago – I talked about living your truth. I just spent three years by myself, on a quest for self-discovery and healing, and I have some hard truths to conquer, even still.
I sit here with the same song on repeat in my ear where no one else can hear it, chaos swirling around me. I have so very many things I would like to share I do not know where to begin (which is a theme for me). I started out the year with a blog…and it is interesting to see where I’ve ended up.
To look back click here:
I have been walking around with a bit of jumbled nerves lately. It has been a good while since I have compiled my thoughts together in one place long enough to make sense for anyone, let alone myself. I have been writing, do not get me wrong, however, nothing is together. It is scattered bubbles of thought typed out feverishly in a feeling, not blogged into existence. So here we are.
I spent so much time figuring out why I feel the way I do. I have spent many nights crying myself to sleep, wondering what was so wrong with me, wondering what was in store for me. I spent time exploring myself and what I like to do. I spent time manifesting the love I have in front of me, the fun we have together, and the love I have for myself.
So, after all that time I felt really content in my single life. I felt happy and kept busy with my own activities. Then I entered a relationship, and I lost my balance.
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Never when I started this blog, did I think I would be writing what I am about to write about now. It has always been about balance, but never did I think I would be talking about balance in a new relationship while keeping my own with myself.
I spent all this time working on myself…I was in a good place and then I found myself in a relationship; albeit extremely exciting and new…and in crept some major self-doubt, negative self-talk, and insecurities. When that list reared its ugly head, I thought “I did all this already – where the heck is this coming from?” I was feeling so good, positive, independent. What happened?
The lesson all along was to learn how to love myself, first.
We all have hard seasons; I do not know a single person who does not. We all react and manage it differently. Once we have conquered one issue, the next is already present. It is like an onion, continually peeling back the layers. All these layers exist because of life and experience; good, bad, or indifferent.
It has been a year of “wow.” Doing things, I never really thought I would ever do or participate in again. I am grateful to have found and held the love that I have experienced, in the last year. Something I never thought possible, when all the odds seemed against it. I am grateful for all the laughter and smiles, even the tears too. All those emotions tell me there’s undeniable passion and love. Together, finding the sweet spot between setting boundaries and building a wall.
I am forever seeking reverence through balance. Each new season brings on its very own unique challenges. Who knew that the biggest/hardest part of being in a new relationship (for me) would be loving myself enough. What you need is to feel confident all on your own and receive loving reassurance until you get to that place.
If they are the right partner, you should be able to rely on them for that reassurance, presence, and support. You should be able to express your feelings without worrying about the reaction of your partner. You deserve to feel loved, and chosen; not just today, but every day.
It is finding a way to love yourself through each layer. I am not here to tell you I don’t still struggle – because believe me I do…but it’s a choice I have to consciously make, every day. Some days are so much easier than others. I leave my comfort zone because I know that is the only way I’ll grow. Sitting in the uncomfortable feeling of “letting go,” and hoping it pans out the way you would like it to, can be very scary.
Love is really walking around with your heart exposed. Love requires trust, without it, there is nothing. Love requires that both parties be open and honest. Love requires compromise. I am learning a lot about relationships, the give and take. And the importance of respect, and most importantly is not to lose yourself in it. Do not settle for less than you deserve. Love is being caught up in the excitement in each other, and jumping at the chance to see each other. Love is connecting and listening to your partner, making them feel heard and making them feel the security they need. Love is endless communication, not out of obligation, but because you want to. Love is being treated with kindness and respect. Love is showing up for your partner, and putting them first.
Being happy does not always come naturally to me. I often must work at it. I wish I did not have to, but sometimes, it does not come so easy. But what I have learned is, it is a choice. Everything is a choice.
I have struggled with my confidence for as long as I can remember. There are times when I feel like I can do anything, and there are times when I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. As much as I have addressed and worked through my triggers, they still exist. It is something I will continue to work on and through. They say digging in, working on yourself, looking in the mirror is the hardest thing to do, and I am here to tell you it is!! But it is so worth it.
There are so many pressures, being an adult, raising children, working full time, going to school, and trying to do it all on your own. When everything feels “heavy” I wish I could just check out for a while, rearrange the pieces, and step back into a better spot. The tough part about being a single mom, is keeping it together even though you’re suffering on the inside. There are days where I cannot wait to unravel, be in my own space and figure out where my next step is. Being a mom, you can’t just check out whenever you feel like it.
I just wanted to say I am still here, and you are so worthy of the love you desire.
Thinking of you, and sending you love
