No Filter

I’m struggling a little bit as I write this – I had the unpleasant discovery of finding out the man I’ve been in love with for the last five years, chose someone else, his ex (again).

There are a million things I don’t understand, and that’s the part that sucks sometimes – I’ll never have the answers I feel I may “need” right now. Was it all a lie?

I share it with you, because it’s wearing heavy on me at the moment. He held my hand through five of the last eight years of creating myself, and played a very pivotal role in my own self-growth.

Our relationship ended several months ago, but we communicated off and on frequently.

We had reconnected very recently, and talked and laughed and when we kissed – it felt like home.

He told me he thought about me everyday. I just don’t understand. Was that a lie?

A week later – he “needed” my support. He was losing someone close to him and called crying, needing MY support, telling me how much he loved me and appreciated me. He didn’t know what he would do without me. Endless texts and tons of phone calls. “I love you so much”.

“You were the first person I called”

And then it just…stopped. I was blocked. I spent the weeks that followed really missing my best friend and sending him love and light, hoping he was getting through whatever he needed to. I was actually legitimately worried about him, hoping he was okay.

And then, I had the unfortunate interlude with Facebook as a friend suggestion popped up – and there was the picture, there valentines day together. He didn’t choose me.

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe.

I don’t get it. How did he do this to me…again.

I’m literally re-living the same feelings the last time this happened, four years ago – with the same person. How could he do this to me again? How do you just not say anything?

What did I do to deserve this?

I am grateful I have the foundation that I’ve spent so much time building, supporting me. But, I feel broken. It really hurts. I loved him more than anyone I’ve ever loved in that capacity.

I think I knew a side of him that no one else in the universe knew. Clearly, objectively, it didn’t fit – obviously. The hurt just sucks.

Initially, the feeling of “not good enough” floats through –  and this is when alllllll the things we talk about come flooding in. I meant nothing. I am good enough. I do know that.

Why would he spend so many words for so many years, explaining the love he held for me up until the day he disappeared? The actions never matched the words, and I knew that (which maybe makes now, easier) but there was always an excuse.

Why would he go back to a place where he was so miserable he couldn’t sleep at night for fear that he may say my name out loud because he loved me and wanted to be with me?

Was that a lie?

He was my best friend. Why would he come to me and tell me that he had been in love with me for years and he didn’t know how to break up with her and needed my support?

Was that a lie?

I held his hand through that, and then after, when we were together he would hold my hand in his and say how for YEARS he wished he could touch it.

He sat on my couch and held my hand in his and said he spent his entire relationship – wanting to be in that spot and he was so overwhelmed and happy he had the opportunity.

It really, really hurts. But now, I rebuild – again. While it sucks that this is how he chose to end our friendship, and the love we shared – it’s better than sitting in uncertainty.

Never be with someone who makes you question your place in their life.

Choose the one who chooses you, over and over and over again.

I let him hold my heart in his hands five years ago, he made me let my guard down – “no filter” he would say. Tell me everything, I want to know everything.