I read a quote this week:
Ambitious women really only have two options:
a super supportive partner or no partner at all.
This hit hard and for a few days I went down the path of preparing to spend my remaining years alone. Unworthy of love. Sex and passion are easy – I’m completely scared at the thought of ever letting my guard down again.
I made a video about it – check it out on YouTube.
The super supportive partner wouldn’t have made me feel less. In all the time prior to being a couple, he was so encouraging, and when we were first dating – but once he got comfortable – the judgement and criticism started to creep out. I held myself back. I wasn’t allowed the room to be authentic, worse of all – all of those actions, made me doubt myself.
I hate that I doubted myself.
I held on, knowing we could grow together, but I didn’t anticipate being the only one working at it. I held on, longer than I should have in hindsight.
Love alone can’t sustain a healthy relationship – let alone unrequited love.
Nothing hurts more than losing a bond with someone you thought you’d have for a lifetime.
I refuse to let my heartache steal my joy, but I must work at it every single day.
Some days it feels as though every moment I blink I picture painful thoughts of them together as if it’s being played on a tv screen on the inside of my own eyelids. Afraid to go to sleep.
Some days I am so busy building my empire, it doesn’t hit me until my head hits the pillow.
There are days when I lay down at night, having to pivot every thought that pops into my head – asking God to take the pain and thoughts away so I don’t have to feel it so much anymore.
It feels like every time I turn around there’s a reminder of him – the pictures from trips we took together, to things he bought for my kids, memories of activities we did together, nights we spent laughing in my kitchen, and when I’m driving – I passed them together it sent waves of anxiety over me- I felt so sick. I would give anything not to run into them. I don’t think I could face that at this point.
Why did he tell me how wonderful I was, and how every experience with me was nothing short of amazing and then after five years, disappear without a word?
Why did I have to endure this not once, but twice with him? And why if he was going to go back to that miserable place, did I have to hold him up during the in-between? I feel used.
I meant that little.
I had a dream last night that he hugged me so tight, I could smell him, and when I woke up, I felt his warmth around me, but reality set in – and that is so incredibly far from any reality that may ever exist.
It won’t exist.
I move through each day with intention, teetering between my ambition driving me forward, and my faith both in myself and the universe – steering me.
Some of the toughest lessons we learn are also the most painful.
A healthy relationship is built on a foundation of trust, and my trust was completely shattered. There is nothing worse than allowing yourself to let go and believe the words that are being said to you, only to be discarded like you meant nothing. How could I have been so wrong about a person? And how could I have settled for so little?
Will I ever be able to let myself be loved again? Will I ever let someone in? Do I deserve that?
I woke up this morning with this on my mind, and as I was writing, I received a message from a reader that was so incredibly kind, caring, and encouraging. I appreciate that so much, a perfectly put together description of what healing, truly means – here it is:
“Sadly, when we are in love with someone who doesn’t love us back the same, we tend to get stuck and never move on no matter how much we know our worth how much we love ourselves.
That love will turn to anger and all kinds of mixed roller-coaster of feelings and eventually it’ll wear you down mentally because we still desire that love with that one person so much and though there will be days, we will date even try having a sexual relationship with others that love for that one person will hinder us from being happy and moving on.
There will be comparisons and you’ll catch yourself doing that and it’ll be a subconscious thing. The mind knows all of what it needs to do like you’re saying here after the years of hurt being spoken, the defense for that hurt is followed by “I know my worth etc….” and you knowing you need to be strong then crediting him for so much when you shouldn’t!
These are just a part of the roller-coaster of feelings. This is where you credit him instead of yourself. Truth is from this kind of love for someone yes there is someone out there who is capable of loving you the way you deserve but can you truly love someone the way they deserve to be loved and stop loving that one special person?
I experienced a similar situation of a love that I’ve it was over I felt like I was suffocating and slowly dying to just breath. It sucked still sucks and the downside to that love and hurt especially of feeling abandoned and aloneness.
Once you come to the point where you feel you are ready to move on and try again it’ll never really be fair to you, you’ll subconsciously look for all the things that hurt you in the new person. You’ll look for comparisons and all the things that made you happy with that love and again even if you start to feel relaxed enough to be sexual afterwards, you’ll start to compare and you’ll sabotage every opportunity with someone new for a good while.
It’s crazy how love can dictate our future but hurt can dictate too. It’s hell moving forward and for myself yes later I’ve come to acceptance and have let go and in my heart I’m ready to continue living my life and move forward but here’s where I’m at now.
I’ve gotten used to my space and being alone and the comfort of myself and I’ve basically given up looking because of that but there’s also that with growth I’ve found it takes so much energy to open up and do it all over once again that really, I’m just like ugh, if it happens it’ll happen but I’m not going to just jump out there and try.
You seem to be a very passionate person who’s deeply in touch with your heart, your mind and so much but you haven’t let go completely. I think you are healing and looking for strength especially from those who’s experienced what you have like myself even.
You’re a beautiful soul and that makes you a beautiful person and you sharing all that you are makes you someone else’s strength, that shoulder for someone’s needs and that’s a good thing but you will eventually come to a point when you let go of it all and truly find yourself and credit you and not the one who didn’t see your worth.
It’ll happen it really will, may take a long time but it does happen. The older we become and having gone through this kind of hurt and feelings and with time makes us reflect back on so many things in our lives even the worst or most innocent and things you never thought will become so clear to you. You’re on the right path. Stay strong ♡”
I appreciate you, Don.
I thought he was an incredible person and told him that often – but I no longer possess the love for him I once had, and if you know me, you know how much value that held.
I am simply navigating through the hurt he projected on me and the fact that his actions proved who he really was as a person – that, is one person I do not want in my life.
I deserve someone who matches my own energy. Who will give the same love that I give.
I am a beautiful soul.
I don’t want to be around anyone who takes me out of character. I want the freedom to be myself. I just want to laugh, live, love & prosper. I want people I can trust. I want people I can grow with…that have a genuine love for me.
You need goals that give you nothing but goosebumps.
Friends that give you energy.
Lovers that give you butterflies.
A mission that makes it impossible to sleep, and irresistible to wake up.
A mission so great it feels like fireworks inside your mind.
Use that as a compass.
Cry if you need to.
Scream if you need to.
Grieve however long you need to.
But pick yourself back up.
Greater things lie ahead.
Xo,
Laura
