I started watching Sex and City from the beginning again recently.
When my ex-husband moved out, I started watching more TV. Prior to that I could easily go weeks without sitting on my couch. It wasn’t that I couldn’t, or he wouldn’t let me watch what I wanted to, it was because I needed to keep busy. I was so anxious being in a space where I didn’t feel I belonged, that I had to distract myself to keep moving forward – so I’d be busy cleaning or coming up with projects to absorb my time. What’s your go to?
Taking the time and deciding to watch something I was interested in (and not having to compromise), was a form of filling my own cup too. I always felt bad picking a chick flick of some sort when we would sit down to watch a movie. I think that’s tied into the “taking up space thing” I’ve got going – learned and instilled in early childhood…and reiterated through my life and by the time I got to adulthood, I was an expert!
I didn’t think very much of myself.
I can remember expressing this to my ex-husband – “I don’t feel like I have anything to offer anyone”; and he, like a deer in headlights, didn’t know how to respond to that. It wasn’t always about the weight; it was my brain. I never finished college, what could I even offer in a conversation? Why would anyone want to be friends with me?
It’s strange, as I write this, I can remember those conversations…and then as I moved on through my single life, years later a dear friend told me of a conversation she had with her husband, “Laura is really funny, I had no idea”. Two years into being single, she started getting a group of us together for dinner on the Friday nights I didn’t have my kiddos. Every time I was so nervous going, for the above reasons – what do I even contribute to a conversation?
Now, all at the same time, when I was in work mode, I was so confident in myself and my abilities – I didn’t have this issue. Strange how the two levels of confidence live in the same brain. When it came to my job (that I loved with all my heart), I knew what I could contribute, what I was capable of, what people needed from me, and I was good at it! And people liked me, and I felt appreciated by those employees who came to me every day for guidance. I truly LOVED my job.
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Two of my go-to movies were “Brittany Runs a Marathon” and “Eat, Pray, Love”. I got into other shows too, such as “A Girlfriends Guide to Divorce” – what all those shows/movies of single women showed me…was that they weren’t running around wondering who they were good enough for, they were looking for someone GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM. Genius!!
So, when I decided to start dating… It was no longer “am I good enough for them?”, it became “are they good enough for me?”.
Now, we all know how hard it is to create a habit, it takes time and consistency. I fell backwards through my dating journey at times. Modified behaviors to fit others’ needs or wants while compromising my own. Every road you take has bumps; no journey is complete without them.
Sending you love and gratitude
Man…the number of tears a breakup produces, is unbelievable. I swear I developed chronic dry eye somewhere before, during, and after my divorce. I always thought that was a made-up thing, Aren’t I the fool. If I had known, maybe I could’ve head it off at the pass, and saved myself all the discomfort.
Losing my job was heartbreaking, and the uncertainty of my relationship made me feel a lot less confident in myself this year. I struggled through this – it was a shady season. I have been using the tools I’ve learned and put them to practice – none of it is easy, don’t let anyone tell you that. Doing the deep work is the hardest. I love myself, and I live authentically me. If I have a feeling, I say it. I miss my best friend, and I have for a long time – but I’m taking up space because I love myself more.
I’ve been following coach, Matthew Coast – it’s amazing how much good ole FB knows what we’re growing through and what material to throw at us! Sometimes I’m a bit surprised, I’m not sure why it felt the latest and greatest ball wash needed to fit into my feed – unless I’m not realizing something.
In all seriousness – Matthew speaks a lot of making yourself more “high value” to attract the type of relationship you desire.
For years, I have been building a list of requirements. Basically, since before my marriage ended (as I was trying to manifest in my marriage those very needs, I was falling short on). I had a lot of first dates, a little less second dates, and a few third/fourth dates. I learned an incredible amount about myself by going to those interviews; that’s what it is, isn’t it?
I stepped wayyyyy outside of my (then) anxiety ridden comfort zone.
I can honestly say while I’m writing this – to even venture out on a date in the beginning I felt confident – it was the mix of the wrong guy that wore me down over time.
Not choosing the higher value men, because what I was battling with was not feeling worthy to have the type of relationship/partner that I wanted. I was creating my list and I did take a lot of baby steps along the way, my “picker” as they call it, was catching on.
People are truly my passion, and I’ve been born blessed as a “fixer”. I love to help, and it’s selfish really, because it makes me feel good to help others. So as such, I had it tattooed on my forehead.
I think I might have a new business model:
Attention single women, this is for you! Looking for Mr. Right? Find the one with all the potential….and have me date him for you first! I always leave ‘em better than I found ‘em!
I feel like I might be one of the most emotionally in touch people on the planet – pairing up with men that encapsulate hearts of stone; you can imagine how that feels. Dating after 40 is like being swarmed by a bunch of different kinds of bees.
Some are just angry assholes – that would be your average asshole yellow jacket who flies around stinging people for no good reason (aka they haven’t done their homework or gone to therapy) so they sting to avoid being injured. Very reactive.
Some guys…are like the honeybees who are nurturing the flowers. Going flower to flower, doing what they are intended to do, leaving everything better – the way nature intended. A very rare find.
You’ve got the carpenter bees who scout around looking for ways to really get in and burrow. Really make their mark, set up shop, and never intend on changing. In fact, to get them out, you sometimes need to call in reinforcement. Very difficult to get rid of and return over and over again with a different approach, only to end in the same result. Common.
Right now, I literally have one of those fake wasps’ nests hanging a few places on my deck – to scare them all off! (I’m not even joking!)
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It’s really easy to “fill a void” and not work on the issue at hand. Distractions are plentiful and come in many, many forms. If you don’t take the time to really dig deep, you’ll keep encountering the same scenarios over and over again. Afterall, if we keep running into the same situation (or types of people) over and over again, we haven’t learn all of our lessons yet.
“You should take the time to find yourself at least once in your lifetime, and as many times as possible” – Laura Ferri
I’m spending my time, readjusting my footing, and catching my balance. Sometimes I can’t even fathom the amount of emotion the human heart can hold. The amount of love I have to give is immeasurable. I am manifesting my BFF and adventure buddy,
Take the time to figure out what it is you ACTUALLY want – no one else can do that for you! See my list below and begin building your own. It’s YOURS, own it! You are so WORTHY everything you desire!
In the words of Gilbert grape….” I just want to be a good person”
Sending you love!
Xoxo,
Laura
I am manifesting the man who wants nothing more than to be my partner. He can’t wait to spend time with me/us as a family. He feels compelled to connect frequently and shows his appreciation and deep love for me.
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He…
- Makes me his top priority without question
- Is my best friend, and I his
- Is my partner in crime in all that we do
- Is honest and open
- Looks into my eyes
- Always kisses me goodnight
- Jumps at the chance to see me
- Isn’t able to walk by me without touching me
- He/we Laugh until our faces hurt
- Wants to spend time with me (and chooses me)
- Allows me to be comfortable being myself.
- Is an evolved human and isn’t afraid to say what’s on his mind – doesn’t hold back.
- Kisses me like he doesn’t want to lose me
- Dances with me
- Enjoys going out and staying in together
- Holds me while we’re watching a movie, going to sleep or waking up in the morning
- Shows appreciation
- Cooks and shares delicious food together
- Tries new activities together
- Is passionate about life and love
- Is passionate in bed, wants ME.
- Has his own hobbies and welcomes me into that world
- Cheers me on along my journey as I share mine with him.
- Is active and works out together and motivate each other on our health goals
- Communicates endlessly – what he’s thinking, his intentions, and wants
- Initiates conversation
- picks up the phone to call me, hear my voice and connect
- Reciprocates affection and pleasure
- Makes me feel secure in our relationship
- Is kind, understanding, and patient as I share my feelings with him
- Never stops pursuing me
