Remember when Dharma from Dharma and Greg ran into their room and dove into their bed on clean sheet day – that’s EXACTLY how I feel on a Sunday evening. And I’m sitting here writing to you and putting this blog together from my freshly laundered oasis! Ah…bliss!
Here we are another new month, new beginning – a time to reset, refocus, and get clear on what it is we want…and to create the plan of action. I love a new beginning, leaving the past and everything that didn’t work, behind us. Taking all those bits of information we learned and step forward. And, full disclosure, I feel the same way about Mondays, too. It gives me that same feeling.
I’ve been told on more than a few occasions that talking to me or being around me is like a breath of fresh air. I think that is the sincerest and kindest compliment I have ever received, and I carry that with me and use it on the days I feel like I need a boost. I live in my own authenticity, this blog is EVERYTHING! It’s love, sex, divorce, marriage, weight loss, dating, food, momhood, life – no filter.
I spend a lot of time filling other peoples’ cups, and I enjoy it. I don’t like asking for help or depending on others for things. I am an independent woman, and I like to act, and get things done. The one person I’d like to depend and rely on, would be my partner in life.
You are what you consume…and you are under the influence of those you choose to spend your time with. I am in the practice of being authentically myself, and sometimes with that, comes some hard times and heartache. I have let go of many things that no longer serve me, to live in abundant love and peace.
A few years ago, I wrote some great (in my humble opinion) blogs on navigating my way through the alone time. I used to DREAD Thursdays, that’s the night my kiddos go to their dad. I would dread it so much so that by the time Wednesday rolled around I could feel the heaviness in my body. It’s really a beautiful thing to be an observer in your own life. I can reflect and see the progress I’ve made and be self-aware of all those triggers…and how much my thought process has changed over the last few years. It took a lot of work, thought, and practice.
Over time, I began to think of those Thursday nights differently, I learned to look forward to my down time, make plans for myself, and now…I almost wish the week would slow down so the anticipation lasts a little longer. It took a long time to get here.
It’s hard to believe that May marked seven years ago that I started this blog. Seven years ago, I lost my mom, my job, and had a baby. Seven years ago, I had a vision of what I wanted my life to look like…and right now, I’m living it! There are some pieces missing, but after losing my job in January, I’ve been taking the time to figure out where I want to go next.
Some days have been a challenge, kind of like walking into Target without a list; the thrill of wandering aimlessly is both a gift and a curse. Where do I look first? What kind of mood am I in today? Do I scope out the home and garden section…or are we looking for interior inspiration?
Ever since I was young, I have pictured myself as a writer. I would live alone near the city, and I would sit in a coffee shop writing away on my laptop while sipping some sort of hipster coffee. I took writing classes in high school and throughout my weirdly long, and winding college career.
After I had my daughter, I had a strong urge to turn my “job” into something where I could be there to help others through tough moments – mainly what stuck out to me was becoming a nurse. Helping women through those crucial moments during labor and delivery. It’s a good goal, turns out it just wasn’t for me and after some time, I changed directions, had another baby, moved, and just kept living life.
I would journal occasionally, but most of my time was spent focused on taking care of my littles, being as frugal as possible, and fighting unhappy thoughts. Never in a million years did I think I would be where I am sitting today. I guess that’s the funny thing, we have these visions, and often, we’re adjusting.
Things change, more than they stay the same – it’s up to you to adjust and move forward. Move forward with new breath, light, and love.
For the last year and a half, I have been in a relationship with someone I love beyond measure, but my needs weren’t being met. Time is the most valuable thing to me, and I wasn’t getting enough. So often I would get upset and then feel bad because I convinced myself I was wrong. I should be grateful for what I am getting. While I am grateful, I do deserve more than the bare minimum. It’s been a struggle, for sure.
I began adjusting my own vision of my life to accommodate the time and attention I was receiving. Now I am stepping back and deciding on what I want my future to look like. I’ve had this vision for so long, it’s tough to work through.
When I was swimming in the dating pool a few years back if someone wasn’t checking off the boxes, I moved on. Why should it be any different just because I have a history with someone? Am I compromising my wants, just to keep him in my life? Am I living the authentic life I wanted to have with him?
These are questions I am working through in my head…and the things I read and watch. I miss him more than anything, but right now, I need to fill my own cup.
My greatest virtue is to love. I choose to live my life in abundant love. We are what we focus on. So, as I am wandering through my proverbial “Target” of life, as I am forming my coaching curriculums, and working on the “business” side of things, you can lose sight of the focus…to write. So, to be true to my virtue, goals, and you…I need to share my thoughts publicly, more often. I do vow to you, my readers, and friends to keep living, and writing with my own authenticity. I will be true to myself, and as I navigate myself through the aisles, I’m learning right alongside you.
Meanwhile…with all this “free time” I have been hitting my To Do list, damn hard. My therapist shared with me once, she had a relationship after her divorce that was similar, and she said “Laura, I wrote and published my book in that year we were dating” – so, something good does come to fruition often.
I am a list girl, through and through. I’ve got all sorts of lists… one thing that’s been on it for a few years now, is staining or painting my deck. It was in desperate need, and I really explored all avenues before I decided on a plan and went to work.
I wound up painting it with resurface paint, and I couldn’t be any happier! The deck has become an extension of our house. And I find myself and my kiddos spending so much more time out there than ever before! It’s comfortable and most nights, we’re dining alfresco and hanging out after!
I felt so accomplished after getting this done (I still have touch ups, it’s on the list!). I get a high from completing a project, it’s not just about having the “thing” for me. I have a huge appreciation for my hard work, and to sit back and see what you’ve done is SO satisfying!
This will be my third season with my garden, and I’m in love. It has taken on a part of me I never imagined. I started dabbling a few years ago and did a test run the first year, to see what it might be like. I found some cheap raised bed kits on amazon and went to work. I built a makeshift fence and picked a spot I had been thinking of for years.
I think this hobby has saved me in many ways (much like my children!). After that first season, I made a commitment and found someone to build a proper fence for me and got to work. I ordered raised bed kits from Amazon, a giant mound of dirt…(see below), rocks to fill in the spaces. Most mornings you can find me in my garden, watering, picking veggies, weeding, or just staring in amazement. I just need a sign that says “free garden tours”!
When you’re perusing the dating apps single men have all these hobbies listed (especially the ones who’ve never been married) from motorcycles, to boating, hiking, kayaking, sky diving…and then there’s me 38/39 (at the time) and while yes, I love adventure but…I’ve also got three kids in tow most of the time. I needed a hobby that I could get lost in, but still be present for my littles. I thought they would be more into “helping” me or enjoy it more…but I think they love how happy it makes me, to be honest.
They will help, don’t get me wrong, but I thought it would be something we all worked on together. They always listen to me about this or that in my garden, with a smile in fact. They do enjoy harvesting once it’s ready, and they love seeing everything grow – that makes my heart SO happy! (These pics are from last year)
I tend to this garden daily from spring to fall and I love every moment, quite honestly. It’s taken on something new each year. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!
In case you’ve never seen it… skip to 5:24
Dharma and Greg
Sending you so much love
PS: Garden porn: