If I can be honest (when am I not?) for a moment. Typically, several good days might be followed by a sad day or two – but’s it’s getting better. I had a moment the other day about my place in this crazy world, how all of these events including the pandemic, played out for me specifically. When you’re vulnerable is when you have those moments.
I waived my white flag this week. I hurt my back on Thursday morning, I bent down to give my oldest a kiss good morning and I dropped right to the floor. The pain was incredible like an electric shock right to my spine. Today is the first day I’ve managed to stay vertical, and can sit upright. I felt defeated I could barely move, sit or stand. Sometimes all you need is a hug. Like a real hug – “a squeezy one” as I say to my kids. It was pretty terrible.
More often than not my friends are the first to preview my honesty and humor that resides here. Sometimes, it just flows right out of my mouth during a conversation. I decided I had to include it here, because we both found it that funny, and just because I laughed so hard at myself.
I very slowly got myself to the chiropractor Thursday night. I walked (if you can call it that) into his office as he’s asking me the typical type questions, and then, my marital status. He immediately follows with “I don’t know why I need to know that”. He tells me since I can barely move, he won’t make me bend down to get on the table…he flips the table upright and I lean back as it moves to a horizontal position; “it’s a trust exercise” he says. He tried a few things, poked and prodded. He raised the table, I flipped to my stomach and we made small talk as he rubbed my glutes and thighs. I flipped to my side, he said this was the fun part. And as his full bodyweight was on top of me with my leg bent backwards…I thought “I wonder if he’s single”.
It’s a muscle spasm he says, I’m going back Tuesday.
I hide a lot in humor, and the “good morning” texts I send to my usual suspects – because it helps me to have that connection. I’m alone (not talking about lack, just stating the facts), I don’t want to sit in this same space. I’ve had several fruitful conversations with friends over the last few days – I needed to fulfill that connection. I feel like all these “sessions” add up to something great. It is true, there is nothing better you can give anyone, than your time. But when you are running on empty, you have very little to give. Pour your cup first.
Not everyone you are friends with will fully support your life choices. How much time do we waste worrying about things that may not ever happen? Or what other people think? We all do it. Push those thoughts aside and focus on the day in front of you.
I wonder if I’ll ever have love again. I wonder if I will mean anything of significance to anyone.
We accept the love we think we deserve. And it’s obvious how I chose those around me. A conversation with a friend…we have those we don’t see often but we can pick up like no time has passed, and that’s okay; we have friends that we converse with on a daily basis and never see face to face, and that’s okay; and there are many relationships in between. So….now what?
Make new connections
Here in N.J. restrictions are loosening up a little. What’s going to happen? What will you do differently? I’m unsure of how to branch out, I’m still finding my way in this new life. Those who find significance in me and my place in their life will make an effort, they know exactly where I am. I’ve been “searching” for my new tribe, but maybe I’ll do nothing and see what finds me instead.
It feels so good to be open to everything I’ve ever wanted.
Sending you love
XO
