This is me
This is me.
I’ve been compiling this one for a few days, it’s been a rough week. I lost my shit. You know…the mom build-up and then the explosion. And if this hasn’t happened to you as a mom, maybe my blog isn’t your thing. Day two of a terrible headache, and what sealed the deal this morning, was my diamond earing disappearing into the shower drain. I don’t have many nice things, now I have one diamond earing. Fabulous.
Sometimes the only solution is a drive on a country road with the music all the way up and all the windows down, and a sunset, to speak to your soul.
Sometimes I lose my shit. What do I want my kids to remember about me most when I’m gone? Dancing in the kitchen.
I don’t think I was instilled with motherly instincts. I’m not your average mom. The vicious truth to motherhood: I don’t have my shit together. My mom spent her years unhappy, and how I felt about relationships and marriage and carried with me throughout my own. Her feeling of being trapped is something I recognize not only in myself but in many other women (and men). Just because I also want other things doesn’t mean that I don’t love my kids.
Think about all the mom labels we hold. Envision the scene in the movie Bad Moms as they are running down the list of moms who vote for the school PTA. I didn’t want to be just a mommy blogger who doted about her kids and how wonderful they are…or what assholes they are being. It’s all relatable. I feel, as women, we are expected to keep it together. I can be a good mom and still want to runaway sometimes. In the past year, I’ve cried more tears than I ever thought possible – and yet, I’m still here. We are so much more capable than we let ourselves believe.
“Mummify when am I going to do dance class? And cheerleading? And gymnastics and ballet?” My middle guy in tears this week, he misses his friends, he doesn’t feel like doing anything. What’s on the agenda? Everyday Evelyn asks me…”so what are we going to do today mama?”. I felt guilted by the preschool teacher today, actually I was being judged is what it was. I am a single, full-time working mom with three kids that is doing her best every freaking day to accomplish what feels like the impossible on a daily basis. The only view she has, is that my four-year-old daughter hasn’t made it to every zoom meeting. She’s four. Have I mentioned the impossible feat? It made me feel like total crap today, and now I need to apologize.
Years ago, when I began my Yoga practice, we would begin the class by setting an intention. Every single class, my intention would always be confidence. At the beginning of this quarantine my ideal ending was to emerge a butterfly. I think I’m close. Only it isn’t in the physical sense.
So, I talked in my last blog about feeling like I have something to contribute and my virtues. I make people smile. That’s my purpose in life. If you haven’t read it, and you’d like to:
Can a woman feel confident and sexy without the influence of a man (or woman)? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat at the other side of the table from a guy in the last year, and heard: “you’re so easy to talk to”. I offer a nonjudgmental ear.
We do not allow ourselves to be who we truly are. The restriction of ourselves is often the cause of unhappiness. It’s something we don’t receive from someone else, it’s something we have within ourselves. Once you give yourself permission to… you’ll often find happiness.
A few years ago, being uncomfortable in my own skin I was given some homework. Be naked. Odd for some, some maybe not so much. But how can I accept and love my body without that experience?
So, I started getting naked. Staying naked. We live in a world where we are told to hide what are considered our flaws. Those imperfections tell the story of who we are and how we got here. This is what I look like and I am not going anywhere and if you don’t like it, it doesn’t bother me. I want to be so incredibly uninhibited and comfortable with myself, nothing touches me.
Give yourself permission to love all of yourself, today. There is no one size fits all, my weight does not define me as a person. Are we all programmed to believe what we are supposed to look like? I give myself permission to…feel good. To feel good in my current body, and everything that I am doing that makes me happy.
Dating you ask?
I’ve spent the last year alone. I actually stopped “looking” months ago. It’s like wading through a sea full of d*cks – all puns intended. But you know what? When you get no response, or a one-word answer over and over again…it makes it a whole lot easier to walk away.
Thing is, I’m tired of trying to find space in someone’s life. No ill will – just stepping back. If they want me in their life, they’ll make a space for me, make time for me, and all I have to offer. I am who I am – we all bring something different to the table. Who do you want sitting around it with you?
I’m holding out for my ham sandwich:
I’m not looking because I am making the conscious decision to do whatever makes me happy – in the moment. Don’t think about tomorrow, just enjoy tonight. Focusing on my own goals.
Let’s wrap it up
I used to literally go a month or two, easily without sitting on my couch. I feel really grateful for the pause but now…I’m ready to execute on life. I’m ready to get out there and make some plans for myself. I am building my future right now, regardless of my circumstances.
Whatever it may be that you rediscovered or felt for the first-time during quarantine, whether you discovered how much you like cooking or reading…do you want to go back to the “old normal”? I’ll be making every concision decision not to.
Sending you love.