Crying and the release of tears is the body letting go and cleansing…. just roll with it. I am a crier – I cannot help it. Always have been, always will be. I cry when I’m angry, sad, or happy. I was faulted for doing so many times over and even in my last relationship – where at one time it was a connection, just seemed to be more of an annoyance than anything. But…I am who I am.
You should find yourself at least once in your lifetime, and as often as possible. Our journeys may not be the same, but you will find comfort in some of my thoughts or ideas I like to share.
Finding yourself is like climbing a mountain. Every new plateau you reach, you get to marvel in the awareness and observation of yourself as you’re repairing a lifetime of repression, shame, and guilt. (For wanting to be who you are?) but it’s a new view, each step you take the view is better than the next. And the view from the top…can be nothing short of amazing!
I am so excited to be where I am right now. I probably sound like a broken record to my closest friends, but something changed very recently. It is like a fog has been lifted. I have been meditating more and practicing (daily) the tools that have helped me come so far.
I FEEL different. I don’t know how else to explain it.
In my last blog, I talked about being authentic and trust me there is nothing more authentic than me writing and sharing all my deepest darkest “stuff”, often, and as much as possible. You have watched me evolve through my writing. I’ve shared with you what worked for me, what didn’t. You watched me go through personal loss…losing my mother, getting divorced, “start over” and “refocus” on my weight loss journey a million times, being a single mom, working my ass off, finding love, and losing love.
I ended my relationship recently, and yesterday I felt very sad. Really missing my best friend of the better part of nearly five years, who I shared literally everything with. We talked every day until the last few months. I allowed myself to feel all the feelings, instead of burying them down, or finding some other distraction. That is where I know I’ve grown. It’s so much easier to default to old habits sometimes – and I think we all do at times. What is your coping mechanism? There are so many…but there are just as many (way more) healthy ones.
In my last blog I mentioned how I took all that “free” time I had and turned it into a healthy hobby. My therapist gave me a few good affirmations when I was struggling with the situation at the time. I had to practice all the time. One of them was as simple as “I appreciate my alone time”. It took a lot of work, honestly.
I did not anticipate feeling so alone in a relationship with someone I had SO many strong feelings for. I did not imagine I would be spending quite so much time alone. It felt lonely. It was not the partnership I had in mind, or what I desired.
Everything changed when we became a couple. The years prior, I would call him any chance I had, we would talk and talk endlessly, never lacking words. I could hear the smile in his voice when he picked up the phone. Fast forward into a relationship and the phone did not get answered or he sounded miserable and yelled at me for not having a specific reason to call. My heart was crushed just a little more each time. I am aware the behavior had nothing to do with me, and that he has his own work to do. But, with all that space I was shrinking myself, turning inward.
I am thinking about my free time now, what I fought for it to be, what I desired it to be (at the time) …It did not dawn on me until tonight – I appreciate my alone time.
Holy shit! The affirmations worked! I also use a self-affirmation app – called “I am” if that’s your thing, download it and try it out!
A few months ago, “I know when to trust my intuition” kept popping up every few days on the app for me. I looked at it and would quickly dismiss it. I knew what it meant; I just did not want it to end. There are so many signs from the universe that are guiding us where we are meant to go – believe it or not; I do.
But as time passed, and talking with my closest friends and therapist – I knew that if I did not end it, I would NOT be living my life authentically. You would not be getting an authentic version of Laura (whether you knew it or not), but I would. I cannot lead my life one way and preach another – it does not work that way. I cannot be fake – I’m not wired for that. So just know, I am as real and raw as they come. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and if you are not authentic with me, we are not really friends. Sorry!
Sitting in my single seat now, I love my independence. I find myself not sure what I want. Could I just have a relationship where we do not live together (eventually) or get married? Live separately? Do I even want to date? Maybe I just want to be alone for a while?
If living separately was the lifestyle he wanted, why couldn’t I just roll with it? Because he did not choose me. He did not meet me halfway. Choose the one who chooses you over and repeatedly. We all deserve that.
I love him beyond words and miss him greatly – but I love myself and my peace, more. I will ALWAYS be sending him love.
******
There seemed to be a theme this week for me – tying up loose ends and finishing what I started. Which, as I am writing this…kind of makes sense.
This past week felt like a week of “finishing”. I finished another good book; I added some great reads I’ve experienced on my website, take a gander:
https://myinnerstruggle.com/most-loved/
******
I am a list girl, through and through. And I am always seeking out new ways to get myself organized and I love sharing them with my friends, and all of you! I am SO looking forward to getting organized with this blog, and my new extremely exciting business ventures! And new yard projects!
I think the best way to describe anything right now…is I was so busy trying to make myself seem smaller for so long (in my relationship) that I am…spreading out and taking up space. Getting back to myself. Just here, putting myself first. I just read a quote, and I have no idea who wrote it, but I want to leave you with this”
“To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow.”
Sending you love,
Laura
