Why today?

Where there is love, there’s always hope.

Why today?

This is a bunch of random thoughts on any given day in the last week or two. All true, in the moment.

Like, what is it about today? It’s another Monday, what’s the reason for waking up today and all day long I feel like I’m merely holding myself together with scotch tape?

I wish there was an answer – because I really do feel pretty fucking great overall, but today I woke up down on myself, my status, literally the only thing that’s a constant is the love I have for my kids, and the fact that they are the only ones I function wholly for.

Here’s the thing – last week was a rollercoaster of feelings and I came out at the end of it better than I ever thought I could. But today, it was hard to get out of bed.

For a long time, I wasn’t convinced I could do this all on my own, both financially and without a partner for support – but here I am killing it. We – you are capable of so much more then we ever think possible.

I wonder what it’s like to have thick hair. I wonder what it feels like to not have so much extra weight on my body and shoulders. I wonder what it’s like. I wonder what it’s like to let your guard down to the right person, so far, it’s been all the wrong ones. Can I sum that up to practice? Maybe.

All of these feelings stem right back to my own confidence and insecurities. I need to do something to fuel my confidence. Sometimes you need to just disappear for a little bit, reboot, find your center, and jump back in the pool.

Some of you may or may not relate but ever notice how you can still function just fine on a little less? A little less money, a little less sleep, a little less food, the list goes on – and we’re all fine.

While I love my blog, it actually takes quite a bit of time to keep it going. There are days when I’m on it, and days when I’m not. You need to keep your readers engaged and interested. And I’m just me. I have three children and I work full time and have a side gig. I don’t have a ton of free time. I still have work to do.

So, I posted this message up on my Facebook page as you may have seen, earlier this week:

Today:

Me: “I feel like I’m holding myself together with scotch tape.”

Friend: “that’s okay, is it scotch tape or dollar store brand?”

It’s those moments where you’ve felt like you’ve lost your confidence based on your own insecurities.

You cry, reboot, and realize you haven’t been taking care of yourself. I haven’t been working out, and that’s truly my anti-depressant.

I love this blog and where it has taken me.

I am taking a pause. I’m not gone, I’ll be back. Practicing some self-love, self-care, spending extra time with my kids, and being in the moment. 🙌🏻

I’m still grieving. I still don’t get it at times. I still cry. Today was my anniversary, while I’ve grown tremendously, there are still things that sting, things that I don’t understand (and I may never), and truly wonder what my future will hold.

I’m still here, I still thinking of you, and I’ll always be sending you love ❤

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