Begin again

I think I’ve watched the movie “Brittany runs a Marathon” at least 200 times.

Who writes a blog about getting their shit together, while steadily gaining weight? Me.

You’re welcome.

It’s been a little bit since I’ve checked in. Present day, I’m standing at the starting line with my heart beating out of my chest in anticipation of what is about to transpire.

I took a break from social media for a solid month. It was a little weird to be honest. But by the end, I reveled in the freedom. It sounds so weird; often times I feel like it’s a lifeline (especially in Covid times); but it’s more or less something I don’t enjoy being tethered to.

Begin again

We can’t all be in constant bloom. Some seasons are hard, some are quiet, and some we blossom.

It’s about starting over – again and again and again. It’s about believing in yourself when you have no one else to lean on. I’ve been standing on my own for two years. I like being honest and uncomfortable – I think my people appreciate that about me too.

I think it’s watching the transformation that really gets me. Watching someone set a goal, their approach, and the end result; it’s amazing to witness and inspiring to watch.

I’ve written a lot. Pouring my whole self out on to the page, in hopes it may help someone else realize they are not alone.

I reached some goals recently, I managed to accomplish myself; and it felt like an eternity and four million tears to create.

A lot of them are career and financial oriented but I feel that I’m finally in a great place where I can further all the other goals that I’ve been dreaming about for years.

I am the biggest asshole to myself, sometimes.

It’s been nearly two years standing on my own, trying to figure out my role and where I fit into this new space.

And the only time I feel like I’m falling short, is when I compare myself to the person next to me.

Reset. Refocus.

I dig deep. I regain my footing. Move forward, even though everything standing in front of you seems like a mountain every direction you turn.

Remember:

“True love in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind.”

No, I’m not dating anyone – but thank you for asking. Current relationship status: I think I’m in love, probably just hungry. That doesn’t appear to be an option yet on Facebook; someone needs to check into that.

I have this special skill – the incredible ability to connect very well with those who are simply unavailable. I’m talking either emotionally or physically – and if you’re both, well honey it appears to be a match made in heaven. Please, take a number and have a seat.

Me: beautiful woman, approaching 40, hilarious, understanding, non- judge mental, fun, doesn’t want control, just love, supports herself, will love you unconditionally.

Him: I have no intention of loving you, but let me waste your time and energy for a little while.

One day.

I’ve spent a good part of 2020 and all of 2021 pouring copious amounts into my work bucket. It’s now time to rekindle myself with the things that feed my soul.

When I started off 2020, freshly divorced and optimistic, little did I know the work I had ahead of me. It’s easy to move forward and barnacle yourself to the first person you lock eyes with; it’s much harder to sit and look at yourself in the mirror. I’m so grateful I did.

I started this blog exactly five years ago today. And just a little fun fact: I ran my first 5k exactly NINE years ago.

To the left is me, nine years ago as I was training for my first 5k, the middle a few years into my journey, and on the right is me now. Believe it or not, I actually weigh more now (to the right) than I did way back when.

It’s fitting to be honest, my middle guy was 3 and I felt terrible about myself and my situation – I cried everyday. Finances were tough, beyond stressed about my family, my budget and felt incredibly stuck.

I borrowed a treadmill, (yep, I borrowed one) and put it in my unfinished debasement among a giant mess of toys so I could attempt doing something for myself (you know, to feel better) while keeping an eye on my tiny humans.

My first run is still quite vivid in my mind, and I can certainly relate it to whatever it is you do – to feed your soul. Confession maybe? Meditation? I cried. I mean, I cried everyday anyway (it’s my super power); but this was different. Cleansing. Optimistic. Wish I knew then the tools I have now, but I was doing my best given my circumstance.

Running was my therapy. I felt challenged, and accomplished. I don’t like sharing running with anyone – just me, my music, and the woods (preferably).

So I kind of feel right now, (in a way) like I did so many years ago. Ready to take one step into the next phase. We change and evolve more than we stay stagnant – at least I feel that we do. Ready to leap.

It was REALLY hard at times to clear the clutter, to quiet the mind. To stand in my kitchen alone, with no agenda, and no one to talk to. Alright alright alright – all my married friends “that sounds like bliss” but after so much “alone time” it was getting old – but I turned a corner.

My busy bee behavior caught up with me. I think it started back in the late fall. Working a lot of hours, keeping up the house, keeping my children fed and alive; And then one day… I simply spent the day on the couch. Those of you who know me well, know this isn’t the norm. I’m happy to admit since that day, I’ve spent a considerable more amount of time holding down the sofa.

It may seem weird to some, but for more years I can remember – I could easily go weeks if not a month or longer without sitting on my couch. Looking back, I guess I was busying myself then too.

So, here I am – ready to begin again. Only this time, it’s different.

I’m turning 40 this year and I’m not bummed about it – but I really want to mark the occasion.

So here we are – many, many, milestones later trekking my way on an adventure.

For those of us who live on the daily with all different anxieties, this is big.

I met a guy over a year ago, we went out a few times – he talked big. I want to…go here, do this, fly here. At the time, naive in my own journey I judged. I couldn’t (at the time) understand why he wasn’t doing these things now. He made enough money, his daughter was grown, and he definitely had the time.

Here we are a good year and a half later, I found myself reflecting on that – and more importantly, understanding. But I don’t want to wait for my “someone” to adventure with.

I flew on an airplane by myself – for the first time ever two years ago. I spent so much time being worried I wouldn’t figure out where to find my gate – would I miss it? All these really stupid things. Am I going to show up to my flight and suddenly lose all of my common sense? No.

At the beginning of 2020 I had all these aspirations for my year ahead (didn’t we all?). I had made some plans to travel…run a race…the world was my oyster. But then, COVID. (Feel free to look back at a few posts)

Think about your past year, what has changed? Will you go back to the way things were before?

I’m grateful to have the opportunity to reconnect and say the things that are on my mind. Things I can’t share with just anyone (although, I share a ton here). All the insecurities swimming through my head, to be real, and honest. I don’t think I would have said those things a year ago, or ever.

I have to say, that was hard. Really, really hard. But I’m so grateful. I learned a lot about myself and a year later…here I am. Sitting on an airplane, ready for adventure.

Thinking of you, and sending you love.

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