Being me, authentically
If you are new here, welcome!
When my heart is really in it, I have a tough time letting go of relationships – both friendships and romantic relationships. I often spend too long simmering in what could have been. It is true to my over analytical brain (which is both a blessing…and a curse!).
In the past year, parting ways with my job – and many of the friends I thought I had with it, has been tough. Working through a tremendous change in your everyday life is not easy. You are still mourning a loss – because that is exactly what it is.
The hard part (sometimes) is moving on without closure. What happened? Why does it feel like they meant so much more to me than I did to them? I get the whole it’s them not me…but like what is it? What psychological reason would it be? Guilt? Fear? These are the answers we may never receive.
I’m so grateful for the people I do have in my life, at my side. As I work my way through these losses, the tears come and go. There are lots of deep breaths.
I was chatting with a friend I have not caught up with in a while. You speak of all the important things going on, bringing each other up to speed – and if it’s the right type of friend, you don’t skip a beat. You fall exactly where you should.
I was telling her of the loss, as she’s going through something similar, and I said I didn’t understand why, and she had the most thought-provoking response “because look…you’re the one who did it. You were the brave one, and sometimes the brave one, stands alone.”
I still struggle a little bit sometimes, standing alone.
I sometimes refer to myself as the “queen of uncomfortable”. So here we are, getting uncomfortable. Growth is not flourished in comfort, unfortunately. As I stood alone, I had an incredible few weeks doing just that. Building my business has brought me to a whole next level of growth. Meeting unfamiliar faces, and I didn’t do it on purpose…but so many firsts for me!
I am surrendering to letting go. I am grateful for the parts that bring me pain.
I continue my path to great health and wellness. I continue to fill my cup (first, and as often as possible) – because we cannot pour from an empty cup.
I give myself grace and kindness – the amount of time I take to mourn my losses is my own. It is a part of me, and I feel things deeply and love with all my heart. So, I let go of all judgement on myself for feeling all those feelings.
There is always a reason behind the way we conduct ourselves. Whether it be a trauma from childhood, neglect, abuse, etc. Shadow work is tapping into your unconscious mind to uncover those parts of yourself that you are hiding from yourself (and everyone else). I continue to work at healing the wounds from my mother and my past.
The shadow work I have been doing with myself – feel free to use my prompts in your own self-discovery:
What is my current relationship with my emotions?
I am extremely in touch with my emotions. I eat through my feelings – and I continue to work through this, daily.
I do not need to understand where every thought comes from. It is okay not to know why.
What is my relationship with my body?
My body is my vessel. I love my body; it has gotten me to this moment. I want to get healthy to feel better physically.
What would you like those relationships to be?
Almost there – I have been in practice for years. I would like to not feel dependent on other people for my own emotions. This is something I felt my whole life – beginning with my mother…and continued through adulthood in my marriage. It is something I continually work through.
Taking on other people’s problems as your own.
Wearing other people’s emotions.
Forfeiting my own peace for someone else.
Listen to respond.
Listening without absorbing.
Considering how someone else is feeling.
Clear is kind.
I need to not wear other people’s emotions – this is something I work through often.
Listen with intention.
I deserve the same love that I give.
I am worthy of everything I want.
Letting go of self-doubt that someone will enjoy my company, who I am as a person, and feel compelled to spend time with me.
I will observe and notice where I am engaging with empathy/not empathy and become more aware as I grow.
I have talked to several new people recently who struggle with the same. We reach this point when we have not been filling our own cup enough – and the requirements may vary.
Do you ever just feel frustrated? Angry at things that normally would not bother you? We, just like our children, sometimes need a little more love than other times.
So, take time for yourself. Get outside of your head and do something you might not normally do. Do something you love, or always wanted to try, and give yourself grace. If you are not ready, start planning. Manifest your own happiness and peace.
I am still a work in progress…and I want you to know, I am here for you!
I will leave you with these two thoughts:
How do you perceive yourself?
How do you want others to perceive you?
PS Let me leave you with affirmations I have been compiling:
My body is a vessel for this journey.
I am excited for my journey and my future.
I am excited for this practice bringing me to a new level of comfort for myself.
I commit to loving myself completely and accepting myself exactly as I am.
I am excited for all the new experiences that lie ahead.
I have done so much inner work – I cannot wait for that to reflect on the outside.
I dress for myself.
I find joy in every moment.
I am happy I have arrived in this space.
I have done the challenging work.
Things are going to happen that I never thought possible.
I am grateful for my body – it has gotten me here.
I am grateful for my struggle.
I let go of self-doubt.
I am grateful for healing.