The biggest failure in any relationship is unsaid expectations. I’m not easy to love. I’m challenging, sensitive, and emotional. I do hold a lot on my shoulders having everyone else’s emotions affect my own. For years I let someone else hold my happiness in their hands – when in reality it has nothing to do with me. Talk about inner turmoil. I do it with everyone – with my husband, my friends, my bosses. It’s exhausting – but I found this; detachment. I’m learning, and it feels good.
I haven’t written again in a while, life has been so busy!
I wear many hats during the day, at the office I play HR, Admin assistant – organizing meetings, getting coffee, paying bills, running countless reports, reconciling data, dealing with staff, figuring out payroll issues, filing, finding good candidates to interview, setting up meetings, managing my team, and trying to find ways to save money, negotiating rates…the list goes on. It’s overwhelming and I need an outlet.
I get in this funk where I overthink everything, grow resentful, – not taking the steps to get to what I want, not eating right, not working out, it’s like living a self-fulfilled prophecy. In this continuous cycle of self-hate – unhappiness yet hard to pull yourself back out. I was struggling. And then I realize – I haven’t worked out, gone on a run, or done anything for myself in weeks.
What do I want?
I’m chatting with a girlfriend on my way to work, venting about all your typical mom things, work things, she’s always encouraging me to keep writing. As I’m crying and laughing, I just need more time, I just want a little time to be able to do SOMETHING for myself – like take a freaking bath!
It happens to all of us, mom or not. Things creep in on our time and before you know it you’ve taken on more responsibilities and I know I’m not alone you kind of resent it. No one is going to GIVE you time – you need to MAKE TIME. So that’s where I am – getting a little selfish (as I type this, I’ll be at the dance studio four nights a week, but who’s counting). What once may have worked for me to work out, may not work right now. Life is always changing. I have to deal with the hand I’m given at the moment, but something is better than nothing – don’t wait for Monday to begin. You don’t have to be perfect – no one is! Just do one more healthy thing than you would have done for yourself yesterday.
Several weeks ago, I embarked on a little acupuncture journey and hope to return to it very soon – it was remarkable. I have a number if issues with my joints – mainly my hip/back on my right side being the most painful. But while addressing these issues and chatting with the acupuncturist I explained that my left eye had been twitching for a few months and frankly, it was getting old. I knew it was stress related, I knew what was bothering me but it was interesting (because she had no idea). There is a link between your left eye and your liver – which holds all of your emotions. I was holding in a lot, makes complete sense.
I began with the chapter on detachment in the book I’m reading: You’ll See It When You Believe It
By Wayne Dyer
I had an incredible experience last week – meeting an amazing group of admirable women who have accomplished so much. I was lucky to have the opportunity to act as an assistant that day and grateful for the experience. Listening to these women and what they have accomplished but more importantly the troubles they face every day. It was an enlightening experience, I keep saying it and I know it – I am made for more than this. I don’t know what it is yet but who knows what the future will bring.
It’s all happening exactly as it should.
Since the weather has gotten nice, I’ve been making a habit out of coffee on the deck in the morning. I get up pretty early, but it’s worth it to enjoy the solitude, think, not think, meditate, write, or read. When the kids wake up they wander out all sleepy and cute and I love it. I feel like I’m on vacation – even for a few minutes.
Sending you love,
XO
