I live my life in abundant love
Living my life every day with intention; with as much passion and love as possible – because life is too short for anything else.
I’m a total sucker for a sunset – and that magical hour before. Talk about being centered.
I’m grateful to live where I do, and the beauty that surrounds me. I got to the trail and my very first thought was “god I love the smell of leaves in the fall”.
Freedom
I dare to say it’s pretty easy being on your own – the freedom that you have not having to answer to anyone else is pretty magical. Only, I think that in the right relationship, you can still have that freedom.
I spent a lot of time trying to escape – and I don’t necessarily think it was my marriage specifically; it was kids, work, life. To truly have the capability to disappear, veg out, pause, and not have to answer to a single being for bit, didn’t really exist for me – until now. Albeit it took me all this time to get here.
I had this monstrous list for this weekend, catch up on this, do that. Go go go. And you know what? I did basically none of it, and it felt fucking amazing.
I realize that I fall into one or two compartments when I meet someone of significance – I might be vying for their attention, by making it all about sex, or I am super serious. In a conversation with my girlfriend, discussing this and men in general – and how completely different we are. How completely different we operate, and myself trying to navigate through this she simply says “you need to be like a mullet – you know business in the front and party in the back, pun intended.”
I love her.
Thing is, it’s not really my intention to be so serious, I just don’t know what the hell else to do. I know i don’t want to be used, so when there is someone I might actually have an interest in, over serious mode kicks in, regretfully. And you know what? None of us fucking know what we’re doing, or we wouldn’t be where we are – single or not.
We behave differently with whatever audience is in front of us – there’s no denying that. We have the friends we can talk about politics and religion with – and the ones we clearly can’t. We have the ones who check in every now and then to say hello always surface, they serve their purpose; and then my absolutely favorite kind – the ones who will sit at your kitchen table for hours laughing and touching souls with.
So sometimes, my radar is off and I’m not sure who to be when. I don’t think I’m that abnormal.
I don’t know how to be myself sometimes. Afraid I don’t know how to balance my emotions sometimes – I’m so excited I can’t wait but the truth is, I’m afraid to let myself go and let my guard down for the wrong person. You never really know if someone’s intentions are pure, until you know. Figuring it out over time.
I just want to be me.
To actively be dating is a big commitment
To willingly spend your time interviewing (with great hope) person after person hoping someone meets your standards while still maintaining balance in all other avenues in your life, is fucking exhausting.
I’m tired of answering the same five questions over and over again – the online dating thing isn’t for me. So, I’ve let all that go, to see what happens.
All that I am sharing – is what helped me, I’m no expert. But I want you to know, that you (yes you) deserve everything you want in life – especially love.
Stop trying to cover up your emotions, if you want something – ask or the answer will always be no.
Go out on a limb and take a chance – maybe it’ll be the absolute best time in your life.
Maybe just maybe…your bar is set so high because it’s “easier” not to let someone in – because you’re afraid of getting hurt.
I won’t ever lose myself in someone again. I need to maintain my freedom and independence. I need time with friends, and time alone, and time with just my kids. I know there will be someone who will love me and my awkwardness and support the independence that I require – and still be there to give me a hug when I need it most.
“You are an ever evolving human being. You are whoever who you decide who you are – and only you are responsible for what that looks like.” -Rachel Hollis
I’m really grateful for the friends who get my quirks, and awkwardness – and I appreciate theirs. I’m grateful for those who listen, for those who read and appreciate my honesty – even though sometimes, it’s a little too honest.
Thinking of you, and sending you love
Xoxo
