It makes sense that my mom is a regular topic in my blog. We didn’t have a perfect relationship but, now that she’s gone (or anyone that’s no longer in your life) you tend to reflect back on only the good moments and feelings; forgetting or covering (with rosy glasses) that the bad ever happened (or maybe not caring so much). It’s hard not talking to someone you used to talk to everyday. She was a good friend, whom I miss dearly. Mainly the small things.
I’m redoing my girls room – we live in a small house with tiny bedrooms. Life never works out quite how you imagined, we’re a little tight on space but I love my house. We’ve poured our hearts into it to make it what it is today, and I’m proud.
Anyway, I’m working on the room for my girls to share. I’m painting and I have all these ideas. It reminds me of my mom, she was pretty creative (sometimes a little too much). I know she’d love this and be feeding into my ideas until we morphed it into something awesome. As I’m tapping into my inner creativity, working hard, covered in sweat and paint, I do this for my girls. Proud that I am able bodied and can accomplish this on my own. That’s important to me. To feel independent, there’s nothing worse than feeling helpless. Even with the most mundane tasks.
I do this for my girls, I lead by example. I’d do anything for them, for anyone I care about. I like making other people feel happy, inspired, and strong. Remember, my passion is other people. And there’s some people no matter what you do, you can’t make happy. My mom was one of them. No matter how much I tried to help her, to lift her up, the choice to be happy was ultimately up to her. The only thing you (or I) can do is just be here when they need you. Strong people don’t put others down; they lift them up. Below is a note we found in her things recently. We have no idea when she wrote it, but I’m glad we found it.
I’ve always struggled with myself as long as I can remember, I think we all do. Some just hide it better than others. I’m too sensitive, but I think I’d rather be too sensitive, then unaffected. I often feel like I don’t feel fit in, and I’m on my own. I never did fit in to a mold, it’s not me. How many people do you know that will say exactly what they are thinking at any given time? I think honesty is refreshing. I’m not talking about being mean, I’m talking about telling someone you’re thinking of them, about seeing something that made you think of them and letting them know it.
I’m a total people pleaser. Whatever you want, what can I do? How can I help? People are my passion. But I let what people say or do get right down to my core and its knocks me down a few notches every time. This is something I am working on, not everyone is so nice.
With all said and done I feel confident each day that I am molding my beautiful children into creative, kind, sensitive, independent, and compassionate people and that’s all I can ask for. Lead by example. I am good enough and I have to pass that onto my own daughters (and son).