My readers prefer raw and honest, so that’s what I write. I am who I am and I really can’t fake a feeling at all, so here it is. I’m not stuck here; I’m just acknowledging the fact that it still stings. I’m embracing the suck, if you will. Today was a down day, and I don’t think I’ve really had one in a few weeks.
*
Last night, I spent two hours at my ex’s house so we could all watch virtual graduation together. I think it’s important to remain united, that although it’s changed, we’re still a family.
As I sat there waiting for the kids to get their things together to go back home, I acknowledged (to myself, silently) the fact that there were flowers – roses, sitting in a vase. I noticed them as soon as I had arrived and my eyes kept traveling to their location. It’s interesting how that one simple item can evoke so many feelings.
As we grow from one relationship to the next, we bring with us the knowledge that we have learned from the previous one. Flowers were something I didn’t get very often, but I truly love (I buy them for myself now). It played a little part of more than a few arguments throughout the years. Just the lack of speaking each other’s love language. I was looking to feel appreciated (flowers for example) and acknowledged (affection) for the role that I play in this family. With all that said, I am truthfully, without a doubt, much happier now. And I hear that from everyone.
If you haven’t explored your own love language (and your partners); I highly recommend doing so. It’s opened my eyes, I asked for those things that I needed before, but now I know exactly what it looks like.
I’ll be honest, it did make me feel like burying my head in a bag of Doritos when I got home, but I didn’t. It’s not easy, but one day maybe not so far away, it won’t be so hard either.
I feel like the more I expose myself in tiny doses the more I’ll eventually build up an immunity (or something close to it) to feeling that way. I realize that sounds weird, but I have a new life, and he simply will never be in that role again.
*
Several months ago, I was at a friend’s house; crying at her kitchen table over my divorce, and the fact that those relationships do change you. And how this relationship that my ex husband is in now, and any subsequent ones; those women will benefit from all the years that I poured myself into him – they’ll have the best version. She said something that stuck with me, whole heartedly and I only share it now… she said “yes, but you are taking the time to work on yourself – which is the best thing anyone could do; and they will have the best version of Laura”. Typing it out still makes me cry (it’s my super power). I feel pretty fucking amazing, even on my down day.
This pause (quarantine) was truly a gift to me. I’ve never felt better for as long as I can remember – and I can’t tie that feeling to any person but myself.
If you hadn’t read where I was at the beginning of quarantine, not so long ago you can do so here:
*
I hope that one day, I’ll have the love of someone who understands me completely, both my up days and down days; and just hug me on the days where I might not say it, but really need one.
Sending you love
Xo
