It all begins with a mantra: I live my life in abundant love.
Sometimes it’s takes months of heartache, pain, laughter, and tears to pour your soul out onto the page. Sometimes, it’s triggered by a night of laughing so hard with your kids your face hurts, and sometimes… you listen or read something that evokes within you the sentence you’ve been searching for to tie it all together. This is all of those.
I like to talk about the things that nobody really likes to discuss, pull up a chair and get uncomfortable with me. My hope is that you find your solitude as magical as my own.
My plan was to train for, and run another half marathon this summer. My plan was to travel to a few places I’ve never been. My plan was to be busy finding new clients to build my side gig to get ahead. My plan was to meet new people, build relationships, make new friends, and try new things.
What was your plan?
Given the current circumstances, it goes without saying – nothing is promised. We may not have tomorrow.
The universe is guiding me in the direction I’m meant to follow. I’m sorry to say maybe this is all my fault? There was no amount of advice that was going to make me sit in the stillness. I spent my kid free moments, busy.
All along this route different people handed out different advice. Some say just keep looking, some say read a book, go for a walk, don’t take things so seriously. Turns out, none of those are me, and I’m on my own freaking journey – who knew?!
It’s all happening in this order for a reason.
All along since I’ve started this blog, I wanted it to be more. Those of us who continue to push; we always want more. How can I do better? Maybe this time now I’m finally ready to start this new beginning I’ve been talking about. Embracing this pause of “life”.
Starting over all on my own. I’ve grieved, although it still hurts it comes in waves; once you feel like you’ve conquered one hurtle something else surfaces, I need to face and get through. This journey is always evolving. Never stagnant – and quite frankly I don’t want it to be. I am so open to possibility.
I’m going to let myself go ahead and be honest because I think a lot of us could use a little practice in humility and compassion for others. We’re all so quick to judge sometimes, but truth is, we aren’t walking in anyone else’s shoes but our own. Just because people won’t admit to their vulnerability doesn’t mean they aren’t going through the same thing now, in the past, or what the future will hold.
As I embark on this new life there is great possibility, but there is also much growth to be had. This pause comes with more solitude.
It all starts with a Thursday night (without my kids), and spills into the weekend. By Wednesday evening I felt it, the angst approaching and I would reach out to various friends to try and make plans. The next chapter all started in an effort to help, by my sister (I love you) saying to me…you need to think about your Thursdays differently.
I remember when my older kiddos were little and I would put them down for naps and I would sit there and not know what to do. I mean, there were a million things to do but I didn’t know where to start, which one to pick, like a deer in headlights – which direction should I run?
As time passed and I settled into each and every new scenario, working part time from home, flexible schedule, rigid schedule, introducing preschool, elementary school, different gym routines, going back to school myself, and working full time – it’s always changing. It literally changes more than it stays the same. I’ve learned to adapt and I’ve picked up tools along the way that have changed my life.
What’s happening right now…here’s a fun fact; I wouldn’t do very well in solitary confinement. I like people too much. I am missing my tiny army during these times. I find myself in that very same spot I found myself in at nap time so many years ago. What do I do with myself?
So here we are, so fitting that it’s a Thursday night.
I know the logical answer is to spend time doing the things that you love but the truth is, sometimes you’re just paralyzed. I remember when my oldest was little and we would go to a birthday party, she would hang on my leg for nearly two hours, wouldn’t sing happy birthday, or talk to anyone, and during the last half hour, finally go play with her friends. I often wondered why I continued to torture myself taking her – she sat there paralyzed with fear of…? Having fun? That’s exactly how I feel on my weekends without my children. When I have a plan or two it helps but for the most part I’m alone and weighing my options for far too long and by the time I find myself “joining the party” it’s nearly over.
Shout out to all of those friends who listen to my tears, my up days and down days, and all those in between days. The days where I couldn’t get out of bed, and the nights that I couldn’t sleep. Hell – I’m even grateful for the ones I felt abandoned by (at the time).
I am retraining my brain to believe that everything around me isn’t happening to me, it’s happening for me – I’m just trying to figure out the what the lesson is. So, I finally felt comfortable going out all by myself, for a drink or meal (shopping is different, duh). I’ve met a lot of people, had a lot of conversations – it’s interesting.
I feel like dating and meeting people is one large social experiment. I feel like the ability to be “alone” is really something instilled in you. There doesn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason – you are either comfortable doing it, or wish you could be comfortable doing it. I know plenty of people who would never go out to dinner alone and when I mention I started doing so, they were envious of my courage. Albeit I put myself on auto pilot, not so long ago even if I was meeting a friend for dinner, I wouldn’t walk in by myself, and here I am sitting here for the duration. Prior to this I was basically lost, late to the party, and spent the evening frozen like a deer in headlights.
So… here we are on lockdown. What kind of lesson from the universe is this for me? I finally got comfortable going out alone and the universe is like “hey, you’re not going anywhere”. I literally just spent months and months alone every other weekend “being busy” working on my house and various projects, because I wasn’t ready. What the heck? Am I still not ready? What am I supposed to be doing, because I always think for sure I should always be doing something?
My entire life (even as a kid) I always wished I could go away somewhere and come back different. This is my opportunity.
So, I ask you…what do you think of your own “Thursdays”?
For a few of us, we decide to take a leap into an unknown world. A business venture, a relationship, you name it. Dating has brought on so many questions, lessons learned, and so much insight on myself.
Some take the next thing that falls into their lap – because, after all what’s worse than being alone? If I wanted what I had, I could get that – but I want more. So much more.
Aren’t you tired of living your life on repeat? Change the fucking channel, get up and go do something else. How many times do you want to write the same chapter over and over again?
The same failed relationship? Constantly on the hunt for someone to fulfill what your marriage isn’t? Spending all your money on payday and then having to stressfully coast until the next one? Living among a bunch of material possessions you can’t afford just because you wanted to be able to keep up with the neighbors?
How often do you take the next step just because you feel it’s the right thing to do or that it’s just the next step? Going through the motions but not really loving – let alone wanting to do anything that you’re doing?
I feel like I can safely say now I have some experience after many conversations. After a break up people will do one of two things, grow as an individual or dive right back into something to fill the void.
Where do you see yourself a year from now? Two? Ten? I want more.
I started writing and sharing my journey a few years ago after losing my mother. My entire life changed. She was gone so young (and also my father before that), and spent her life in this angry space. Years ago, that’s how I was. I didn’t live my life the way I do now. That all changed when my mother passed away suddenly. I took a look at my life and decided I didn’t t want to be that way anymore. She lived her life in that manor, and missed out on so much. So, I continue to reset myself every day. Not “go back to the old me” but create a new me. I am living my life in abundant love.
I believe that throughout our life we have multiple and different types of soulmates. Whether it be a friend or a lover. Some people we connect with maybe push their way through to make us let our guard down and be vulnerable. Their role may to be to show us the passion that we are capable of but only for a moment because there’s something better waiting on the other side. Maybe they are here to show us exactly what we don’t want. Or maybe it’s just an observation of our own reflection.
In my journey I’ve read a ton, and listened to a lot of audiobooks. I know a single person or two that have no children – they are able to check out after their breakup. Dig in. My story is a different. I was reading “Eat Pray Love Made Me Do It” and if you haven’t read it, it’s really good. By the end I found myself thinking all of these stories have that one thing in common…they can check out and dig in.
Again, my story is different. I have three children I can’t just checkout and dig in. So, here I am – in the open. Writing though my struggles and I’m here, when you need me.
I live my life in abundant love
We will never have today again, don’t waste today focusing on people or things that don’t serve you and your goals. Tomorrow is never a guarantee, don’t waste today.
Growth in Solitude
Sometimes space is all you need – if you allow the room for it. Time to be alone, to collect your thoughts, catch your breath and find your center.
I chose to live my life in abundant love.
It’s fair to say you are continually growing whether you chose to or not. Every situation instills something within you, that you overcome, get through, realize, come to terms, get over, fumble through, the list goes on. Every time that happens, it changes you – even if you don’t feel it necessarily.
Writing feeds my soul. It’s a gift that I am truly grateful for. I hope you have the chance to create and have an outlet that feeds your own soul.
We live in this world of uncertainty. Every year you close a new chapter in your story, don’t keep writing the same one over and over again. Only you have the power to change your own story. Stop waiting for someone else to do it for you. Make a move right now. Create a goal. Take the steps toward achieving that goal, the daily rituals that will get you closer every day. Don’t assume that one day it will magically improve on its own. Be honest about who you are and what needs to happen to change for your future. It’s big and scary but it’ll be so worth it. Don’t put it off year after year, start again.
A Dream always starts with a question. What if…? There is nothing more beautiful than possibility. Be open. Nothing is impossible.
Thinking of you, and sending you love.