No filter
Alright, let’s get straight to the good stuff!
My “hobby” turned to work… and what I used to use as an outlet…now has become my every day. I love what I do but realized I’m not getting a break from it very often.
I have felt so emotional lately and I think it’s because this is so uncomfortable (the starting/launching a business thing). It’s scary! And I only have myself to depend on.
It’s a little overwhelming. But I also found myself, unable to like…stop and shut it off. I’ve done this stuff on the side for years and I had achieved the ability to do that, but right now it’s like my mind is going a million miles an hour in forty-five different directions. I’m having trouble focusing on any one thing – and that is overwhelming.
I found myself wrapped up in some old thoughts this morning as I’m sharing my journey and coaching practice among the Facebook hive. I’ll never understand how people, even in their own misery, tear other people down for sport.
It took me back to a time that I would much like to leave behind me (and usually do). I think it started in fifth grade. Name calling, glares, and overall general shittyness…or is it shittiness?
**********
I have always struggled with my own confidence; I wasn’t raised in a mentally healthy environment. I wasn’t encouraged to do great things. Every day I went to school wearing the verbal and physical abuse I endured at home. Every day I wore the weight of feeling not good enough on my shoulders as I entered another environment where if I even remotely showed some sort of joy, I was bashed down.
Made fun of for my weight, my clothes, whatever awkward sentence came out of my mouth, breathing. It started as soon as I got on the bus…and continued throughout my day – all the way to my senior year in high school.
There’s one senior year afternoon that stands out in my head, in gym class. We were playing volleyball (that I thoroughly enjoyed), the ball came to me, I hit it, and it went out. It wasn’t enough just to feel bad that I didn’t get the point for my team, a boy got right into my face and yelled “great job you fat fuck, now we lost,” right in front of my entire class. I wanted to die.
Things like that were a daily occurrence.
I have been tapping into some shadow work on my own. Whatever the place we come from, the environment we grew up in, whatever we were exposed to – both by choice or chance, frames who we are today. Some of us, unfortunately, have had the challenge of overcoming all the “stuff” that happened before (or wayyyyyy after) we walked into our current situation.
When we’re not feeling good in our own skin, we tend to look for outside influences to help make us feel better. Drinking is a big one. Seeking the attention of men (or women), and doing things that aren’t usually our jam. And I guess, for some people – putting others down is one of those things.
Mantras and affirmations are great. I use them all the time, however, if you don’t have the tools and guidance to get a plan in place to move forward, you don’t have a game plan.
Remind yourself of all the nice things you do in life and build upon that.
I can only help those who want to be helped. I realize that everyone (I’ve encountered) has a wall and no matter how hard you try, unless they are willing – you aren’t getting in. No matter how much you “do” or love, the wall still exists, and you are on the outside. They are the only ones who have control over how much they let in. It’s a hard lesson to learn. Still navigating this space, learning, and growing.
**********
I’ve been down with a cold since Friday, so I had a great time resting, writing, and watching all the things!
I love Diane Keaton movies – true story! Some of my favorites involve her raising a few daughters and fostering those special relationships. They laugh and talk about dating, and marriage, and there is always a special message of how much she wants them to be happy.
Your relationship with your mother is the most important foundational relationship you start your life with.
I did not have that growing up, I couldn’t REALLY talk to my mom…about anything. Everything turned back into her issue, I do not want to be that way. I did not have a mom who was happy for me. I did not have a mom who I could trust with anything – right down to the sexual abuse I endured as a kid, I never told her. I never told anyone until after she was gone. I mention my own struggles, because you literally NEVER know what someone else is going through. Show some compassion, be kind. Always.
It makes me sad in a way, that that was my experience. But I cannot change anything about the past. I can only move forward and continue working on myself, for myself – and continue fostering the relationship that I always wanted, with my own children.
I have this weird relationship with social media…I do not hang on it but find myself “dip in” see a meme, share it, and close the app. As I have been building my audience, I’ve gotten a lot more time on social media, and as a sensitive person…it can be a not so kind place. It’s a good exercise in letting those Internet trolls to their thing – I feel sorry for them.
So, if I can help just one person feel better about themselves – the entire journey (including the trolls) is worth it!
There is not a single coaching tool that exists that’s more powerful than one on one focused attention where someone feels seen and heard for who they really are.
Trust yourself today, just a little bit more. Do one thing that your future self-will would be proud of.
Let me help you start your own self-love revolution today!
https://www.lauraferri.com
Sending so much love!
Xoxo,
Laura
