I am surrounded by “self-love”.
Have you ever been looking to buy a new car and then you begin seeing that make/model everywhere? Suddenly, all the vibes I have been sending out into the universe, and to all of you…have been coming back to me, big time!
I LOVE – I mean really love where I am in life right now.
I could sit here and write about how “perfect” life is, I am dating myself and feeling good. And while that is true – there is a lot of painful parts in between. Brave faces, and major deep breaths behind closed doors. A little tough love and firm chat with my bestie (I love you), puts me back exactly where I need to be. And each new day I start with a new perspective. A little more healed, a little more ready for the next step – whatever that may be.
Recently, I finally reached the first day that I could step back, and I realize how grateful I was for all the business experiences that I’ve had in my career. It’s making a difference in the way I conduct my own business. I am grateful for all those experiences, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It was all a learning process. No matter where you are right now – be a sponge, it’ll come back to you, I promise!
Like a snow globe – we get shaken up, mixed around, and everything feels chaotic before we can feel the calmness of everything falling into place. I’ve had what I consider, more than my fair share of heartbreak this year. From my job and my relationship, I’ve also seemed to have lost a few friends in the process. Friends I have held dear for more than 10 years of my life – and ALL of that with one common denominator – I don’t know what happened. Objectively I do know it has more to do with them than it does me – but it still hurts just the same.
And even with all of that swirling around me…I love my life right now, and it feels so freaking good!
I read something recently that said when we exit a relationship (albeit friendly or romantic), we can sometimes feel like we meant nothing to them, and that’s the part that hurts. You may not be mourning the relationship, or person for that matter – but what you meant to them. However, we need to realize that just because we were hurt doesn’t mean we meant nothing, it means they cared about us and hurt us anyway.
I’m not sure how I feel about that statement, I’m still hurting. The part that sucks is that there is indeed no set time on the calendar that this will hurt for. I keep doing my thing – writing, working on my business, taking care of my kiddos, my house, myself. Moving on from a breakup has been one of the most difficult things to conquer in my single life – but I’m working through the grieving process and filling my own cup.
One of the things I am still working on – letting go. I don’t have the answers I’m desperately seeking, it’s completely out of my control.
I am right here with you, learning.
And at the same time (isn’t it funny how life works) – I had one of the greatest summers with my kids that I’ve maybe ever had, and we didn’t even do anything significant. We didn’t have a week at the beach, or an elaborate vacation, but we started our day together every day. We laughed – a lot, spent late nights talking under the stars.
I love the ages they are, and the conversations we have – they really are my favorite people in the universe. Even when I’m asking Matthew to clean up his room for the 4 millionth time in a week, and Evelyn to get ready for bed for the last 45 minutes.
I’ve reinvented myself more times than I can count. I spent so much energy the last four years creating the life I love.
Why would I shortchange myself in the love department?
Why would I deal with the constant uncertainty and wonder where I stand in someone else’s life all the time?
Why would I accept anything less than I deserve?
When I was going through the process of obtaining my Master Certification for Life Coaching – you get coached. It was such a cool experience…and I worked on my own real-life struggles. I discussed the ending of my relationship, and how to approach moving forward, Ryan (who coached me twice) – was so kind and gave me adequate space for response… paused and asked, “what are you going to do to make sure you don’t lose yourself again?”.
That was a rough day.
When I love, I love with my whole heart. Quality time is my love language. If you haven’t discovered yours, I encourage you to explore – The Five Love Languages:
I pondered Ryan’s question for a while. The song Starting Over by Christ Stapleton comes on… tears, reassurance, deep breaths – all present.
Four years ago, sitting at a bar with a friend shortly after my marriage ended, I set up my first online dating profile. By accident as I signed up for Match, I paid for a six-month membership. I didn’t have much money at the time, and I felt sick for a moment that I accidentally spent $120 on the app but reassured myself I wouldn’t even be single in six months (jokes on who?).
Four years later….
I’m still looking for that connection. For that special someone who also loves long walks in Home Depot. Manifesting my partner in crime, and my BFF.
“I am in a loving and healthy relationship with a man who is head over heels crazy for me, wants to take care of me, and loves me with his whole heart. I am his priority. He thinks I’m pretty special, and he doesn’t want to lose me.
PS…the sex is amazing!”
As my beautiful friend said, “you will feel better once your heart and head are in alignment.”
To answer Ryan’s question…unless you’re committing to me and making me a priority – I’m not committing to you or making you a priority. That is how I will not lose myself. There needs to be a balance of give and take. A one-sided relationship is not the one I am seeking.
Navigating through letting someone or something go, who can’t give us what we need – albeit a job, a spouse, lover, a friend, isn’t easy. I’ve spent a long time in this space – many of us have. I listen to you every day. Practicing, letting go and letting that open space be ready…for something amazing!
Thinking of you, and sending you love