So in love
A picture says a thousand words. I love that we were looking at each other the moment that this was captured. When my older two children were this age, I didn’t want my weight status documented – anywhere! Now, I can’t stop taking pictures! I want my children to remember me, and I want to inspire them to push for whatever it is they desire.
Evelyn will never be this small again, I can’t believe she’s a year old already! So much has changed in my life since she’s been born, I can’t imagine life without her. She’ll make me laugh, cry, challenge me and inspire me; I’m a better person for being her mother. I can’t wait to watch her grow into her own little self.
I’ve been on this quest of self-discovery for some time now, and I started blogging about it back in May. I can’t believe it’s been this long already. I think back to where I was when I started; I was in a dark place. I know I’ve shared details with close friends, but I think I’m ready to share here.
When I went back to work full time after having Evelyn, major changes were brewing. I knew what was going on when I got back, I just didn’t know how it was going to impact me every day. I had this special little thing going, I actually LOVED my job. I love that it challenged me, I learned new things all the time, and it was exciting.
In the beginning, it wasn’t so bad. I actively expressed my willingness to help through the transition but as day after day went by and more and more responsibilities were taken away from me it felt depressing. I felt a little worthless frankly. Everything I had worked so hard to accomplish was sort of washed away beneath me and I was given menial tasks to complete.
Just after we were into 2016, my mother passed away pretty suddenly. I don’t think you can ever be prepared. After losing my dad just two weeks’ shy of my high school graduation, and him not here to see me get married; now my mom won’t get to watch her grandchildren grow up either.
I’m 34 but I still kind of needed my mom. It’s her birthday this week and maybe that’s why I feel the need to lay it all out there. I really miss her, it hasn’t gotten any easier, just different. It sucks.
I returned back to the place I now hated going to, and I literally cried at my desk every day. (I finally just told Ben that had happened). I’m not ashamed to admit it now, like I said I was not in a good place. It took every ounce of me to get up and go there every morning. Nothing seemed to be going right at all. If we fast forward to now, I feel like the luckiest girl on earth. I’m working from home doing several different “jobs”, I get to spend a ton more time with my kids and I’m writing this amazballs blog!
I’m really excited to see where this journey of mine takes me. I love writing and sharing. The struggle I face every day is my own. A struggle to love myself, my whole self. I’ve spent so much of my life trying to please others, or caring what they thought, it won’t happen overnight but I know I’m worth more than I give myself credit for.
In the weeks to come I’ll be working with a friend to further explore how I can achieve these goals I so desperately desire. Who knows what the future will hold, but I pretty damn excited about it. Stay tuned!